Baby cravings 4.5 years on

My daughter will be six in two weeks time. That means we have now been hoping to add to our family for 4.5 years! - as we started TTC when she was 18 months old. It seems like it's been a very, very long period of time. The desire to have and hold another baby again has never diminished, despite the different seasons of SIF over the years.

Yesterday we had a family swim after our daughter's swimming lesson and we sighted three babies. It is still not foreign to me to want to scoop a baby up and assume baby-care behaviour whenever I see a baby. I'm probably not explaining it well - but sometimes I hear mothers with completed families comment that they cannot imagine going back to the baby years or that they have forgotten what it was like to handle a baby. Not me. Perhaps because we had an unsettled baby and then child (and still do at times) for so many years; I don't find it hard to remember. I suspect there is a part of me that has been just waiting/hanging out for the opportunity to do it all over again. Well, I know there is part of me that wants to do that again. Obviously I have never felt as though I was done and dusted with any aspect of raising a child - I still want to do it again - the baby years, toddler years. preschool years - all of it!

A Mum of Two complained to me this week that looking after her two kids was like groundhog day. Yes, she knows about my SIF. And I get it. Any aspect of life can be mundane. But looking after children - I have never thought that was boring or that I wanted to do something else with my time. I guess I have known for years that I was lucky and blessed to have my daughter - never took motherhood for granted as I suspected somehow - before I knew I was infertile - that she was a very special gift. Of course I get frustrated and tired and challenged like any other mother at times - I also have bad days. But I have never lost sight of how precious a gift it is to raise a child. Never. So I feel like giving Mums a back-handed slap when I hear them grizzling about the two kids (or more) they have in their care. Obviously I am not the woman to whinge to...

I'm on the look-out for a second job that will fit around family life - a second job that will put some money in the bank for travelling to see family that live out of town. It will only be a few hours a week. I have been quite flat in my part-time job of late - there are many challenges there - but I guess I will hang in there for the year while quietly keeping an eye out for other options.

I'm trying to be positive about where things are at in life right now - to think that even though we are in limbo family-wise as we sit in the pool for prospective adoptive parents; we can move forward in other ways. The truth is the hours I work suit family life and my daughter's first years in school. But in a couple of years time perhaps I will look at increasing my work hours if we remain a family of three. But I've had to create some goals for myself once again - as I've had to several times over the years with SIF - so I feel like life is still moving forward. So I'm having a stall in a local market at Easter time which will inspire me to do some more painting. I'm also allocating Friday's to working on my art - writing and painting - and am aiming to give freelance writing a go this year.

I probably sound like I am all over the place and I am a little bit. Still a bit shaken post-earthquake here in New Zealand. Even though it wasn't something I felt or was directly affected by it has affected as nationally as a country big-time. It is the first disaster we have had in this country that has resulted in a national state of emergency. It's big. And I know it's a time of feeling grateful for what we have in life - and I do...but at the same time, I feel my SIF wounds are wide open as it only reinforces what I've always believed and felt - that life is about family and the relationships we make. Who gives a shit about all that material stuff. Not me. Our family still feels incomplete. I cannot shake the feeling - no matter what angle I look at things from.