Going away to another country for a couple of days - even if was "just Australia" was a reminder of who I used to be pre-marriage and pre-motherhood - the somewhat unsettled and adventurous person I used to be. It was nice to feel mostly at peace with my life as it stands today - I say mostly as it's not a perfect life - and I certainly don't expect that it will ever be.
I have been reminded twice this week just how vulnerable I am still around SIF. I had two encounters with two pregnant women this week and got triggered by both women. The first woman is a Mum whose son is in the same class as my daughter's. I asked her how she was and she said she wasn't too well - because she was pregnant. She said "Can't you tell?" and pointed at her stomach. The truth is she has a round belly at the best of times and I didn't really consider that she would be pregnant - especially as far as I knew - she was a single Mum... Anyway she proceeded to tell me how unwanted this baby was and how she couldn't terminate it - but she was giving it a life. I do not know the woman well so have never mentioned SIF. There was a part of me that wondered if she was giving this baby up for adoption. But I didn't go there. The woman has actually been around to our house before with her son for a play-date which turned to custard. The vibe I've always gotten is that this woman has issues and certainly isn't someone I'd want to befriend so I haven't encouraged any further play-dates - my daughter isn't interested anyway.
But I got triggered in several ways - in the sense obviously that this woman had obviously accidentally got pregnant and seemed to have no attachment whatsoever to her unborn child. The second way I was triggered was around birth Mums. Don't get me wrong - I admire women so much who make the very brave decision to "give up their child" for adoption. Yet I know - from a non-judgmental perspective (just a real one) - that many birth Mums/birth families come with issues. If this woman is planning to adopt - and I have no idea if she is or isn't - the thought of her being a potential birth Mum freaked me out a bit.
All the families I've talked to online or locally who have adopted all say the same thing - that somehow you do just click with a birth family if and when picked as adoptive parents. I know of one adoptive Mum who walked away from an adoption because it didn't feel right. I think this interaction with this woman pregnant with an unwanted child reminded me of the fact that even if we get picked as adoptive parents - it might not be the right fit - especially because we have opted for an open adoption and would have contact with the birth family.
Then last night a friend phoned to say she's 12 weeks pregnant with her (wait for it!)...fifth child!! She is such a sweetheart and she had also phoned about something else - she was also open about the fact that it wasn't a planned pregnancy and that "we're still trying to get our heads around it!" to which I joked "I remember you saying that last time!" - when she was pregnant with their fourth child. They are a lovely Christian family who do a heap of work for the church and deserve to be blessed several times over with all these lovely children.
But there is a part of me that feels that it is so unfair - that I had to be exposed to two lots of women this week questioning their pregnancies when I have been waiting and trying for 4.5 years to add to our family. I want to move on from it all - SIF - but it seems until the door is really closed - I will not really be able to. I'm going to have to put up with the odd trigger here and there and the underlying hope for another child at least as long as we are in the pool for prospective adoptive parents.
After going to Sydney for a weekend I was reminded of the adventurous me who used to travel a lot. I guess in time if it turns out that we remain a family of one; then I will embrace that side of myself again and will encourage some more family adventures now that our daughter is almost six years old.
I still feel in limbo - stuck in my job really until we know either way what is happening adoption-wise. There isn't much work out there right now but I will probably just hang in there with my job until we step out of the adoption pool, if we never get picked as adoptive parents. I wouldn't want to work any more hours than I do right now with a second child and there is the possibility that I will keep this job if we become adoptive parents and will take some maternity leave initially.
If we remain a family of one then I will probably increase my work hours within the next couple of years and start saving/planning for family trips - more trips that we might have had/or could have with two children. I am still partly annoyed - while somehow accepting my fate - that should a child come to us, we will have to start all over again in some respects - that the gap will be so big - 6/7 years between kids. At the same time, I know we would need to allow time to settle/regroup as a family of four - should it happen and that it would also be an exciting time! (if an adoption happened).
I know change is coming soon. I've had a busy two/three months and will be back to my regular work hours next week with two days off a week so I can really start the ball rolling this year with my writing and art.
In the meantime, as I find a way to live in limbo family-wise while continuing life as best as I can; I am reminded as my fellow country-men face their unbearable and unexpected grief just how fast life can change in an instant and even if life is imperfect at times and dreams aren't always realised - it is still the one and only life we have.
1 comment:
You have found the way to live in the limbo family such that while continuing life as best. Such that you would be very happy for living there. So that would be good.
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