I have wanted to tidy up these loose ends adoption-wise for a few weeks now but the last two months have been pretty busy. First we had a good month of visitors in town this Summer, then we had some big regression with our daughter on the autistic front and then I got very busy at work...so it did feel good to drop that paperwork off knowing that there is nothing else to do now as far as the adoption process goes.
I have still been feeling a bit raw and somewhat triggered SIF-wise for a few months now. Even though it is a brand new year and I am doing my best to carry on with life as it stands today - the longing/the desire is still there. There is a bit of vulnerability that comes with being in the pool of prospective adoptive parents too. I'm not sure I will forget we are in it (the pool) over the next fourteen months or so. We will be in the pool until April 2012 which doesn't seem far away. We've officially been in the pool almost three months and not a peep. My worst fear is that we may not ever hear a peep/have any interest in our profile. Yet I know if that happens; it obviously wasn't meant to be.
Anyway, it is partly for this reason - this feeling that I am still waiting and as a consequence not yet able to completely shut the door on SIF that I accepted my mother's generous offer of a trip to Sydney this weekend for my sister's 40th. I feel I just need to take the plunge/have fun in other areas of my life. So I am very much looking forward to three child-free and husband-free nights in Sydney this weekend! It is also in the back of my mind that if we did get picked as adoptive parents then a trip like this would be off the menu for quite some time. So seize the day and all that.
I am having to apply a lot of self-preservation right now. Every Summer seems to bring another influx of babies and bumps. My "baby" turns six in four weeks! I guess every year she gets older, there is a greater distance between the dream I wanted - to have a biological sibling for her - and how life turned out. Just today as I looked for a bag to pack my things in for Aussie, I saw all our old baby gear and toddler gear sitting in the garage. I do look forward to the day when I know what is happening with us for sure - when our family is deemed complete - as we are - or with another child.
Work has been very stressful with a lot of pressure of late - so it hasn't helped my SIF woes to be in a part-time job that I am challenged in a lot of the time. I know once I get back from Sydney and school has been back for a couple of weeks that I will have regular free time and will be able to have the weekly creative slots for writing and art that I want to set up.
I haven't been well over the last couple of weeks and know a lot of it is stress-related. It will be good to get away to Sydney on my own - I will have a lot of time to think and reflect on the way there - before having a girlie weekend with my sister. I so want 2011 to be a positive one. I want to get to the end of a year and think that it was about more than broken dreams. It is coming up to four and a half years of hoping to add to our family - such a big block of time and I am well over it in a lot of ways.
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