With the start of school this week I was exposed to several bumps - mothers of two or three expecting their second or third children. After six weeks of school holidays I had had a welcome break from such sightings. Some friends on Facebook have revealed they are pregnant with their second and third children over the last month or two. Not good friends - as in just friends I have a Facebook relationship with. One even had a photo revealing her bump - as in skin and all. I felt a bit hurt by that. This is someone who did know about my SIF. Even if we're not in contact on a one-to-one basis - it still stung that someone did the bump reveal knowing I might see that pic. Yep; it is very easy to take SIF personally...
Although at the time I was ready to leave Dailystrength last year and hence my online SIF support group of three years - there is still a gap. Leaving Dailystrength was about opening my life up to other things - other than SIF. An attempt at moving on. And although I'm in contact (also by Facebook) with a handful of friends from Dailystrength who went through SIF as well - I have lost my connection with some of them as they are now Mums of Two or Three. Don't get me wrong - I am so, so happy for them. And the ones that added to their families by going down an alternative path went through so, so much. I was there with them as they made their decisions - and waited - and then were blessed. So I am rapt for them - so, so happy for them.
Yet there is a part of me that feels as though I have been shoved aside. Not by the women themselves - but by life and how things have panned out. What if I am the one who went through SIF and adoption doesn't happen for us? I fear it won't. Some days I'm fine with what will be, will be. But right now - nope, I want it to work. I want to have gone through over four years of hoping to add to our family (actually, it's about four and a half years now) - to have tried to conceive naturally, to have turned to alternative methods, to have tried low-key fertility treatments, to have endured an operation, to have had to accept and face that I went through early menopause, to have moved so slowly through the adoption process in order to make sure it was the right decision for us - to get a result - to get a baby.
Life is still in limbo somewhat. Even though I have declared that 2011 is going to be a moving on year for me - I still wonder, wait - and crave this little person I've been waiting such a long time for.
I know there will be better days again. That I am feeling raw because families of two and more seem to be everywhere again - plastered all over Facebook, at my daughter's school and just well - everywhere. It's not like the alternative - being a part-time working Mum has been all that great because that in itself is a big juggle and sometimes a struggle week to week.
I know I may need to have some space from the places I am feeling triggered right now. Perhaps I ought to log on to Facebook a little less. I still have a wee part of our profile to alter now that we've got a new family pet - and the final paperwork to hand it to Adoption Services. It will be good to tidy that all up so I will try to get that done soon.
I'm off to Sydney for a weekend soon - for my sister's 40th. I was so, so excited for a couple of days about it. And obviously couldn't do such a trip if I had another child to look after. With our daughter and her ASD; I think it would be hard to leave her and a sibling behind. So I feel lucky and fortunate to be able to go on such a trip. But today - I feel sad and mad - and my SIF grief is up there. Sometimes the rawness of it all gets to me as it feels as though I haven't progressed. I know I have though and that where I'm at today is just part of the healing.
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