I have been feeling quite unsettled about SIF and our incomplete family for a few months now. Not depressed, even though that grief and longing to mother another child is still so very strong. More like unsettled with living with the unknown, once again. I have had some patches or phases even within this four-and-a-half-year era of limbo-land of feeling okay with it all. I've dug deep to work through some of the emotional and spiritual lessons that SIF has brought to me. But for the most part, I have spent four and a half years feeling like not only is my life on hold - a big part of me is on hold.
It is almost too hard to explain how I feel - how my incompleteness as a mother and the unknowingness as to whether or not we will adopt, affects my sense of self and therefore my serenity. I know it should all come from within - that my happiness and completeness should not be about how many children I have. But somehow it is connected to that. Hmmm.
I just feel stuck. Still. It's like I do have some dreams and aspirations that are separate to motherhood for the second time - but I can't seem to make those things happen until my family life is sorted out. It's very frustrating. I guess I can't truly carry on with the rest of my life until I know, until I have a conclusion around this ever-lingering question of whether or not another child will come into our lives.
In the meantime, more babies are born and more bellies are growing out there. I get news regularly around so-and-so expecting and so-and-so's baby arriving. People who know about my SIF still for the most part remain inconsiderate. Not on purpose, I'm sure. I guess they don't know how to share baby news with me appropriately - or are afraid of getting it wrong. There is no right way to tell an infertile woman about a pregnancy or a birth. There just isn't. All I know is those who have been thoughtful, who have taken the time to acknowledge it is always hard news to hear, have tried their very best to soften the blow - and I'm always grateful when people are that considerate.
Fostering has been on my mind the last few weeks. I guess we wait our year out in the prospective adoptive pool - see what happens by April 2012 - and if nothing happens, then perhaps fostering will become our next option. It feels as though we are meant to have somebody join our family, somehow. I have even offered to care for my half-sister in the upcoming school holidays as she may need a break from some family stresses. She is nine years old. I know my husband and I would be good foster parents. I'm just not sure it is the right thing for our six year old autistic daughter, however.
I have had a few compliments lately around my management of children which is nice. I helped out at our daughters swim safety morning last week and was in the pool with a group of children. A Mum commented how good I was with the kids - reading them individually and not pushing the ones who had less confidence. I also hosted our daughter's sixth birthday party on Sunday. We had nine children here all up and most parents dropped their kids off so I ended up with a line of kids following me around as I organised activities for them all. I do like small groups of children together having a good time - not a classroom full though - that is too many for me. But under 10 kids seems to be a nice size.
I was all amped up to get a second job but am not sure that is the right thing to do right now. I'm okay doing something from home but another job out of the home could complicate life more and life already feels complicated. I want to live a simple life and with working part-time and my commitment to three local non-profit organisations plus motherhood and the ASD side of things - I feel as though life is very structured week to week. I do miss the days of being a fulltime at home Mum. I loved those days of going for strolls and having no set agenda for the day. Perhaps my desire to be a Mum for the second time is partly connected to the lifestyle - as well as the joy of raising another child.
Our daughter is growing up fast. She is now six years old with two missing front teeth. She is making new friends at school this year and becoming more independent. There are still lots of challenges on the ASD side of things. I was proud at how well she did at her birthday party too with eight little friends here for three hours. Also I allowed her to invite any friends she wanted from school so as a consequence had four children come round that haven't been here before - and they all had siblings. I realised when I met the siblings as they came to drop off their sisters or brother (there was just one boy at the party!) with their parents that I must have progressed somewhat with SIF as I was able to ask the names of the siblings - there were three lots of three year olds as well as talk to the Mothers of Two and Three about their children and their different personalities. (Which is something incidentally I always wanted - to witness differences between my two biological children).
I guess when life feels uncertain and Gods plans remain unclear, all I can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and to live One Day At A Time. It seems the answer as to what is next if another child doesn't come into our family isn't here yet. It is still a time of waiting and not second-guessing what God has in store for us. It's just the way it is.
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