SIF affects the whole family

It is not just me who is affected by SIF. It is a family disease. My husband seems to have accepted the status quo for the most part - but still has to live with a wife who remains dissatisfied with her family of three. Therefore he lives with the ghost of SIF, even if he is okay with things being the way they are.

My six year old daughter is feeling the loneliness of being an only-child at the moment. For the last two days the promise and the hope of a sibling has been a big topic with her. I never instigate such conversations - it all comes naturally from her. It breaks my heart. She would prefer a sister and has plans for the two of them to share a room and with bunk beds. She wants to read to her little sister and to teach her things. She wants to show her round school and play with her at lunchtime. She wants to share her toys and help look after her.

It is hard to know what to say. I tell her that by the time she is seven years old we will know if a baby is coming to us or not. I say all we can do is pray for a baby and wait and see if God wants that for our family too.

I know underneath it all my daughter is lonely for other reasons - she is going through a phase of feeling disconnected at school with her peers and playing alone at lunchtime sometimes. She no doubt thinks having a sister could be the answer to all her problems. But of course having another little person in the house although joyful on so many levels, would also be a challenge and a big adjustment, no matter how much she claims to want it.

I went for a half-hour appointment in town this morning with a Dr (not my usual one) around menopause. Nothing new really came out of it. I just got a script for vaginal creams to help with er, lubrication and hopefully the estrogen deficiency I have. I'm also to take Vitamin D as a calcium supplement. I had a good talk with her and it wasn't that easy - I don't much enjoy having to relay my SIF history. She suggested I go for grief counselling. I said I'd consider it. But then I have been for counselling FOUR times over the last almost five years. I don't think SIF is something I can ever completely get through or finish processing. It is such a big part of me now that I know it will stay with me for life.

The Dr was sympathetic though about what 'd been through and particularly SIF. I don't get sympathy or understanding often and it opened me up. I left the appointment in tears.

I contacted our social worker this week via email as my husband starts a new job on Monday which means we will have to update our profile. We have made a decision that I will leave my job if we get picked as adoptive parents which I feel good about. I was an at-home Mum with my daughter all the way through, just working evenings and weekends until she was six months off from starting school and then I got a part-time day job that worked in with her school hours. I hope to be able to do that again if there is another child in our family. The idea of putting a child in childcare - especially one I've waited almost five years for just didn't feel right. Our social worker said there was no hurry to update our file as she would let us know if somebody wanted to view it. So no views or interest yet and we have been officially in the pool for prospective adoptive parents for five months.

It's a vulnerable day. After the appointment around menopause and the conversations with my daughter around a sibling, I wish I could once again change things. Obviously I can't change what is but if I could change my own attitude and stop this longing for another child, I would do it in a heartbeat. Eleven more months to go and we will have our answer as to whether or not we will be adoptive parents. I guess I can wait a few more months. What's another year or so tagged on to the long wait I've had already.

Footnote: I suggested my daughter write a letter to God after she came home from school exclaiming "I cannot live without a brother or sister!" Where does this come from?! When I asked her who she played with at lunchtime, she said no-one - and that she pretended to play with her sister and today asked a classmate if she would be her sister. When I told her I had a morning tea planned this Sunday with some Mums that would have babies (it's a get-together for the infertility group I started in town - for all the women that have had babies since the group started and any other members of the group that want to come) she asked if any of them might like to give us a baby! It feels so awful how hard she is feeling what I think is a very real loss at this time. Her note to God read: "Dear God, I would like a brother or sister to play with at home." So it is no longer just me praying for an addition for our family.