Some Days It Stings

Letting go of a dream is an interesting process as it seems to be (for me) about a whole realm of emotions. I was ready to do this. That, I know. Yet some days it stings. It's just the way it goes.

Despite adopting a lovely doggie who needs my care and attention - owning a dog won't one hundred percent replace the longing I have for another child.

This morning when I was in town I was triggered by the sight of party gear for children's birthday parties. My daughter is almost six and a half and as we sell and giveaway a lot of her under five gear; I cannot help but feel hurt that we are saying goodbye to her early years as well as the early years I had hoped to share with another child. It does break my heart.

Despite moments like this, I know this is where I'm meant to be. Letting go has brought a sense of freedom and relief I haven't had for a long time. Holding on was hurting me. It is a process and it is going to take time to move to the next chapter.

In some ways it feels as though the next chapter is already here. Our dog Meg is very much part of the family already. She does complete us - as I knew she would. If this is how our SIF story ends; then I know we will be okay.

But even when sitting around having lunch last weekend on a sunny Winters afternoon on our deck with the five of us - me, husband, daughter, dog and kitten and it felt for a moment right, peaceful and complete - my daughter still out of nowhere said "I want a brother to play with!" Ouch. She struggles as an only-child. Having a dog has made a difference - it's the best substitute we could come up with for a sibling. But nothing of course can truly replace having a sibling.

Despite some tears falling over the last couple of weeks as I let go in a significant way of what I had hoped for, I do have more acceptance than ever around my fate. I will be 43 tomorrow. I know there are great things in store for me in the future - they are just different to what I had hoped for so long. I can't look back anymore. I can't live with broken dreams. It's time to find some new ones.

I seem to have made my way back into the local Mum's circle. For a while there most Mums I knew had two or more children who were younger than my daughter so their coffee groups were all about being Mums. Although I was invited to one once, I didn't feel comfortable attending without a child.

A lot of the younger siblings are at Kindy or preschool now so a new coffee group has started up for Mums who have mornings free. I was invited to go yesterday but declined this time round as I am sick at the moment, but will probably go another time.

I guess I am out there again - back in the world and being invited to a few social things. I am starting to feel more connected to the local Mums I know, despite the majority of them knowing nothing about my SIF history. I suppose for so long my grief kept me so distant from so many people.

As I move on the best I can, self-preservation still needs to applied. I cannot view photos of completed families right now - I have to ignore them on Facebook at the moment. I know there is some raw emotion simmering beneath the surface and I need to give myself the time and space to work through it.

Therapy - in the form of a dog

We officially adopted a dog last weekend! I have been on the look-out for a few weeks and found one on TradeMe (the New Zealand version of EBay). Her name is Meg. She is seven years old and is a bearded collie (crossed with cattle and whippet dog). Her previous owners sold their house and have moved into a motorhome.

It was love at first sight when I first met her. But we took the whole adoption process slowly, making sure Meg and all the members of our family were happy before taking her on for good. The previous owners also wanted to take it slow as they were emotional about giving up their dog. Meg has settled really well into our family a week on - our daughter adores her and even our nine month old kitten follows her around the garden and seems overall pretty content in her company.

I have wanted a dog for a while and knew it would help with the SIF healing. Owning a dog for a week so far has been a very positive experience - it has obviously given me something to love - to cuddle, to nurture and spend time with. Our family feels more complete with a dog in it. When the four of us are out walking (including Meg) - it feels right. Our daughter now has a playmate - someone to play and spend time with.

Every morning this week Meg came with my daughter and I on our walks to school. It's just a short walk - just five or ten minutes up the street but it's been such a positive way to start the day - for all of us. My daughter has had some difficulties at school over the last week or so and so having a dog to walk to school has been a great incentive for her to go to school. She is so proud of her and asks her peers after school to come and meet our dog.

I know owning a dog is God's Will for me - for us. There have been so many coincidences in the last week since Meg came into our lives - even acquiring her was a "meant to be" kind of a story.

One afternoon earlier this week I took Meg for a walk before picking up my daughter from school and I saw another Mum with a daughter in the same class also walking her dog. We ended up taking the dogs for a walk together. As we chatted about dog things (and other topics!) I noticed two women with bumps across the road from us pushing buggies. They were going in the opposite direction to us. I had a very distinct feeling from God that that wasn't His Will for me - to be wheeling a baby in a buggy at that moment in time - it was to be walking a dog. The Mum I was walking with has two children and it didn't even enter into the equation - it was about two Mums walking their dogs - it didn't matter how many kids we had.

A new peace has entered my being. Perhaps acceptance on a deeper level. I will be turning 43 in a couple of weeks. Almost five years ago when it was obvious I was most likely infertile at 38 I was heartbroken - it seemed so unfair and I felt as though I was too young despite late 30s being quite late in life to be adding to a family. But five years on I'm okay I think with being infertile at 43. In fact, I would expect to be infertile at 43. I certainly couldn't imagine carrying a baby anymore in my womb even though I wanted that for so long.

As for mothering - I've no idea if that will happen again for me. But I'm shifting away from that being a focus these days. I'm still wading through all our under five gear. It has been freeing and satisfying passing on gear to others knowing it has been greatly appreciated. I finally feel like I am really letting go in mind, body and soul. I'm ready to see what God has in store for me - even if it is a very different plan to the one I had hoped for (and held on to) for so long.

I can't do it anymore

I am sitting in our spare room - the room I had once envisioned as being the bedroom for our second child. It is a non-descript room at this point - half an office/half a bedroom and is currently strewn with over five years of baby, toddler and preschool gear. It is absolutely heart-breaking to sit in the middle of it all as it represents years and years of hopes and dreams and only illustrates just how long I have wanted another child - it will be five years next month.

I am absolutely devastated as I know I have reached the point of letting go as I cannot hold on any longer to this desire I have lived with for so long. It is time to move on, to let go for once and for all and it is utterly painful.

We will be remaining in the pool of prospective adoptive parents - and have another eight months in the pool. But my hopes are dashed that that will work out. I see adoption as something that is unlikely to happen and need to start moving on and working on facing and accepting things as they stand today. Perhaps I got spooked by the BM (Birth Mum) I know as in the end, she did end up "giving up" her baby and it was obviously a very difficult thing for her to do.

We had a garage sale in the weekend. It was all a bit spontaneous. Our neighbour has sold his house and we share a driveway so we thought we may as well sell a few things too. I put in some of our under five stuff. It was hard to see the highchair go and a few tears were shed about that. Also women were buying bags of girls clothing and it was difficult to see my daughters old clothes being purchased. I have boxed up all her clothes and have found homes for them according to sizes - either as hand-me-downs to other families or charity. It does feel good to be helping others out, knowing clothes and toys etc are being used rather than gathering dust in the garage.

Letting go feels like the right thing to do. I have reached the point where I am so burnt out by SIF in mind, body and soul that I do not know who I am anymore. I have ridden the roller coaster ride of SIF for almost five years and I need to get off, even if it means letting go of a dream I desperately really wanted for so long. Ironically, sometimes holding on can cause more pain than letting go as although this is all terribly painful, I know in time I will feel lighter and freer again. But it's not going to happen overnight.

Our neighbour ended up buying some of our baby gear at the garage sale as he and his partner are newly pregnant with their second child. How ironic. Boy was there a lump in my throat around that one.

I know there are some big tears on the way but I'm afraid to open the flood gates. Afraid to release the emotion that has kept me trapped in my own SIF prison for so long because one day it may seem I never wanted another child because I will be okay.

I know I will be okay - but will I ever be good again? Will I be truly happy? I want to be - and that is why I'm choosing to move on at this point. But I fear this is has been too big, too painful, too disappointing and too long to get past. I wish I never wanted a second child. I wish I could have been happy with the one child I have. I have wasted so much time and energy living for what wasn't instead of what is. I hate how much it has affected my whole life.

There is a lot of emotion churning away right now - mainly anger. I don't understand God's Will for me. I am beaten in mind, body and soul and feel a fool for hanging in as long as I did. I feel bitter and twisted, depressed and flat - I've lost all hope and I really hope it returns one day.

It will take me a few days/weeks to sort through the rest of the kids stuff I am sitting amongst. I want to sell the big items like car seats and buggies on Trademe (the New Zealand equivalent of EBay). It's like I just want it all gone as fast as possible. The physical reminders are painful. Even our neighbours partners Mum at the garage sale commented about all the old baby stuff we had and obviously wondered why. I told her it had been five years and nothing had happened. She was quiet after that.

I know every woman or couple gets to a point in their IF or SIF journey where they know it's time to stop. We are all different around that. I just think it will not be good for my mental health if I continue to wait and hope that a baby is coming our way. I cannot put all these emotions that are beneath the surface that need to come out on hold as we wait for another eight months. They need to come out now. This chapter is coming to a close in my life. It will be the best thing for all of us. It is just going to hurt and I'm bracing myself for the fall-out.