Despite adopting a lovely doggie who needs my care and attention - owning a dog won't one hundred percent replace the longing I have for another child.
This morning when I was in town I was triggered by the sight of party gear for children's birthday parties. My daughter is almost six and a half and as we sell and giveaway a lot of her under five gear; I cannot help but feel hurt that we are saying goodbye to her early years as well as the early years I had hoped to share with another child. It does break my heart.
Despite moments like this, I know this is where I'm meant to be. Letting go has brought a sense of freedom and relief I haven't had for a long time. Holding on was hurting me. It is a process and it is going to take time to move to the next chapter.
In some ways it feels as though the next chapter is already here. Our dog Meg is very much part of the family already. She does complete us - as I knew she would. If this is how our SIF story ends; then I know we will be okay.
But even when sitting around having lunch last weekend on a sunny Winters afternoon on our deck with the five of us - me, husband, daughter, dog and kitten and it felt for a moment right, peaceful and complete - my daughter still out of nowhere said "I want a brother to play with!" Ouch. She struggles as an only-child. Having a dog has made a difference - it's the best substitute we could come up with for a sibling. But nothing of course can truly replace having a sibling.
Despite some tears falling over the last couple of weeks as I let go in a significant way of what I had hoped for, I do have more acceptance than ever around my fate. I will be 43 tomorrow. I know there are great things in store for me in the future - they are just different to what I had hoped for so long. I can't look back anymore. I can't live with broken dreams. It's time to find some new ones.
I seem to have made my way back into the local Mum's circle. For a while there most Mums I knew had two or more children who were younger than my daughter so their coffee groups were all about being Mums. Although I was invited to one once, I didn't feel comfortable attending without a child.
A lot of the younger siblings are at Kindy or preschool now so a new coffee group has started up for Mums who have mornings free. I was invited to go yesterday but declined this time round as I am sick at the moment, but will probably go another time.
I guess I am out there again - back in the world and being invited to a few social things. I am starting to feel more connected to the local Mums I know, despite the majority of them knowing nothing about my SIF history. I suppose for so long my grief kept me so distant from so many people.
As I move on the best I can, self-preservation still needs to applied. I cannot view photos of completed families right now - I have to ignore them on Facebook at the moment. I know there is some raw emotion simmering beneath the surface and I need to give myself the time and space to work through it.
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