I can't do it anymore

I am sitting in our spare room - the room I had once envisioned as being the bedroom for our second child. It is a non-descript room at this point - half an office/half a bedroom and is currently strewn with over five years of baby, toddler and preschool gear. It is absolutely heart-breaking to sit in the middle of it all as it represents years and years of hopes and dreams and only illustrates just how long I have wanted another child - it will be five years next month.

I am absolutely devastated as I know I have reached the point of letting go as I cannot hold on any longer to this desire I have lived with for so long. It is time to move on, to let go for once and for all and it is utterly painful.

We will be remaining in the pool of prospective adoptive parents - and have another eight months in the pool. But my hopes are dashed that that will work out. I see adoption as something that is unlikely to happen and need to start moving on and working on facing and accepting things as they stand today. Perhaps I got spooked by the BM (Birth Mum) I know as in the end, she did end up "giving up" her baby and it was obviously a very difficult thing for her to do.

We had a garage sale in the weekend. It was all a bit spontaneous. Our neighbour has sold his house and we share a driveway so we thought we may as well sell a few things too. I put in some of our under five stuff. It was hard to see the highchair go and a few tears were shed about that. Also women were buying bags of girls clothing and it was difficult to see my daughters old clothes being purchased. I have boxed up all her clothes and have found homes for them according to sizes - either as hand-me-downs to other families or charity. It does feel good to be helping others out, knowing clothes and toys etc are being used rather than gathering dust in the garage.

Letting go feels like the right thing to do. I have reached the point where I am so burnt out by SIF in mind, body and soul that I do not know who I am anymore. I have ridden the roller coaster ride of SIF for almost five years and I need to get off, even if it means letting go of a dream I desperately really wanted for so long. Ironically, sometimes holding on can cause more pain than letting go as although this is all terribly painful, I know in time I will feel lighter and freer again. But it's not going to happen overnight.

Our neighbour ended up buying some of our baby gear at the garage sale as he and his partner are newly pregnant with their second child. How ironic. Boy was there a lump in my throat around that one.

I know there are some big tears on the way but I'm afraid to open the flood gates. Afraid to release the emotion that has kept me trapped in my own SIF prison for so long because one day it may seem I never wanted another child because I will be okay.

I know I will be okay - but will I ever be good again? Will I be truly happy? I want to be - and that is why I'm choosing to move on at this point. But I fear this is has been too big, too painful, too disappointing and too long to get past. I wish I never wanted a second child. I wish I could have been happy with the one child I have. I have wasted so much time and energy living for what wasn't instead of what is. I hate how much it has affected my whole life.

There is a lot of emotion churning away right now - mainly anger. I don't understand God's Will for me. I am beaten in mind, body and soul and feel a fool for hanging in as long as I did. I feel bitter and twisted, depressed and flat - I've lost all hope and I really hope it returns one day.

It will take me a few days/weeks to sort through the rest of the kids stuff I am sitting amongst. I want to sell the big items like car seats and buggies on Trademe (the New Zealand equivalent of EBay). It's like I just want it all gone as fast as possible. The physical reminders are painful. Even our neighbours partners Mum at the garage sale commented about all the old baby stuff we had and obviously wondered why. I told her it had been five years and nothing had happened. She was quiet after that.

I know every woman or couple gets to a point in their IF or SIF journey where they know it's time to stop. We are all different around that. I just think it will not be good for my mental health if I continue to wait and hope that a baby is coming our way. I cannot put all these emotions that are beneath the surface that need to come out on hold as we wait for another eight months. They need to come out now. This chapter is coming to a close in my life. It will be the best thing for all of us. It is just going to hurt and I'm bracing myself for the fall-out.