Six months left in the adoption pool

In six months time we will have our answer. The waiting game will be over - we will either be adoptive parents - or not (once our file expires).

I'm at the point now of living life regardless of what happens. As time has gone on, I have let go of the outcome and have settled into life as it stands today.

Yet, change is in the air.

Yesterday I spoke to our social worker as a Birth Mum in Dunedin wants to view profiles from around the South Island. So this weekend our profile is going on a field trip! I know we will be one of several profiles that the Birth Mum will be looking at - but it is exciting to have the opportunity to be viewed.

Our social worker said to call her next week if we hadn't heard anything. In other words, if we got picked as adoptive parents for this baby girl that apparently arrived early, then we'd hear from our social worker. If we don't hear from her, we obviously didn't get picked. But our social worker said it is still good to touch base anyway to see if there was any feedback from the Birth Mum.

I have to admit, despite what I've declared above about being at peace with it all, I have been a bit triggered since we got this news. I have dreamed a little about travelling down to Dunedin to meet the baby girl and the Birth Mum. It is a possibility and dreams are free, afterall...

Interestingly I was in town recently and saw babies everywhere and this time round it wasn't a case of "Why not me?" it was more a case of "Is a baby the right thing for us?"

For reasons that are too personal even for this blog, I cannot disclose exactly what is going on with me except to say a lot of soul-searching about my life and the way I want to live it. Who knows if a baby is the right fit at this point.

We recently had family visit which meant we had my nine year old half-sister here for five nights. She has her own issues and a lot of behavioural problems. It was incredibly stressful and challenging having her stay. My husband I have agreed that as far as fostering goes; we aren't prepared to foster a child who is older than our daughter as it was a confusing time for her.

When I picked up my relatives from the airport a woman who was in the same antenatal yoga class as me was there picking up her husband. She told me she was pregnant with her fourth child. Her first child is my daughter's age - six - and is in the same class at school.

I no longer know if motherhood for the second time round is part of my destiny. I am leaving it all up to God now. Perhaps a life much different to the one I had dreamed of and planned for is waiting just around the corner. I will just have to wait and see.