Will I Get A Rose?

Waiting to hear whether or not a Birth Mother is going to choose us or not out of several profiles, is a lot like waiting for a rose from The Bachelor!

I can pretend that life is about other things right now, but ultimately it all comes back to getting a rose.

My gut feeling is that we haven't been picked. I'm pretty sure we'd know by now as the social worker took the profiles from our region down South late this week. Who knows. Perhaps big decisions (well, of course they are!) need to be made by the Birth Mum. Perhaps it takes more than one look to select an adoptive family.

Sigh. The thought of being picked has set me off into a bit of a panic - the timing is not great. I have been doing some extensive recovery work which means I have been confronted by some full-on emotional stuff. It is going to take a while to work through it all. I feel I'm not far away from an emotional break-through that has been sitting at the heart of all my SIF grief, all these years. Yet other women have emotional baggage in their lives and it hasn't resulted in completing their families being put on hold. But I strongly feel that I can not move forward in my life until I face all that has been revealed.

I'm also entering a very busy time at work and have a lot to do over the next couple of months, before the year is out. We also have a Halloween Party next weekend and it would break my daughter's heart to have to cancel it, if we did have to go down to Dunedin.

I've been thinking about how much my life has changed since becoming a one-child family - I went back into part-time work earlier than I perhaps would have (if another one had come along) , have had opportunities off and on to explore my creative side, and go to the gym regularly. I had a day on Friday which was all about me. It was the school holidays and my husband was home for the day so I went to the gym, went to work and had a couple of hours painting with a friend who'd set up a craft afternoon.

I am not naive. I do know that if a baby came along I can pretty much kiss most of these out-of-home activities I do, goodbye. At least to begin with.

I worry as to how I'd cope with two children on my own given my husband works all week and isn't home either until late at night or is on night shift. They say God never gives us more than we can handle. Perhaps I would be in over my head. After all these years of wanting another child, I now question my capabilities.

But I know if a baby arrived, I would make it all work. The truth is I would drop all our other plans in a heartbeat and I would find a way. Just like every other Mum of two (or more) does.

Two babies have been born in my extended family over the last couple of days. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. The joy of a new baby - is there anything that can compete with that? I'm not sure. Nobody except for a handful of people in my everyday life know about our profile heading South. I will go to work this week as per normal and it will just be another week.

It will be good to get some feedback from the Birth Mother (if there is any) on Wednesday or Thursday via our social worker about our profile.

I know I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. I'm feeling a mix of feelings and most of them are "on ice" I think - waiting until I hear for sure that we haven't been picked.