Still In Two Minds

Well, it seems I am still in turmoil as to whether to hand in our updated profile or not to our social worker. Our social worker is back from holidays this week so I need to make a decision soon...

Just when I think I've decided what I want to do about things, I don't feel a hundred percent satisfied with my decision. I guess we could always say no - if by some huge miracle we got picked as adoptive parents over the next couple of months, and I didn't feel up to it.

Because that's the truth. I don't feel up to parenting another child right now - for a number of reasons. I'm emotionally burnt-out after 5.5 years of living in the inbetween - living a life on hold and hoping for something that has seemed so far out of reach. Physically I'm in a lot of pain with my arm still and exhausted as daily life has an impact on my arm and I often have sleepless nights as it's very hard to get comfortable.

Spiritually I'm probably doing well with it all. I have given up trying to make life be the way I want it to be. It is so much easier living with what is rather than what isn't.

I have discovered a new-found freedom as I get closer to the end of this rather long era in my life. I do feel a lot more positive about life and am more engaged. I guess a lot of the energy that went into the pain and grief of SIF for so long has been turned around. It is a much better place to be in.

This is my third week of turning my blog into a book. Although I enjoy writing, it does bring stuff up reading some of my posts. I certainly went through some very hard times. (understatement!)

I know things are shifting in ways I cannot describe. Perhaps because I am ready to just let things unfold as they are meant to, I can finally enjoy the life I have been given.

I've planned a few trips over the next few months. My sense of adventure and fun has been reignited. I'm off to my hometown next month for work (for a weekend), then over Easter am going on a road trip with my family of three to the Westcoast of the South Island (just over three hours drive from where we live). In June my daughter and I are heading to Sydney for my niece's 10th birthday.

It feels as though I am able to celebrate again. I realised that we hadn't been away as a family of three for a while so I'm looking forward to our family-of-three road trip.

My relationships and friendships with MOTs (Mums-Of-Two) - or more - are easier. Although a part of me will probably always get a pang of jealousy or a stab of grief when I see siblings playing together; I no longer feel as resentful to the MOTs as I used to.

I even went and had a cup of tea with a Mum Of Three who lives across the road from me yesterday. She is going through treatment for breast cancer so is going through a lot. But we were able to talk openly about all sorts of things. Because of SIF, I feel I was able to understand the emotional side of being diagnosed with cancer.

Last weekend my sister and my niece visited from Sydney. My niece is also an only-child. My daughter said she wished they were sisters but we all agreed that cousins were a close second to being siblings.

I have never really seriously considered raising an only child as I didn't want that to be the case for so long. Now that it is most likely the way it is going to be permanently, I will make allowances for that the best I can. I can no longer think the heartache of being an only child will be taken away by the arrival of another sibling as that just doesn't feel like a possibility anymore.

I think I need to do some soul-searching over the next few days and decide whether or not I want to drop off our updated profile. I think it would be quite freeing to let go of the whole adoption process right now. I need to have a few words with God to see what He thinks.

At Crossroads

A week ago my body started to have what I think is a backlash to all the medication I've been on post-surgery the last couple of months. I've had vomiting, nausea, stomach cramps and well, the rest. Scarily many of the symptoms are in line with bowel cancer. So I went to my Dr and have been recommended to have a colonoscopy. I'm not sure yet if I'm going ahead with it.

After my recent accident with my arm, and my five plus years of dealing with SIF; it has almost been too much.

Yet, it seems it has all been a huge lesson in powerlessness. There is so much in life that can't be controlled, or predicted. Somehow recognising this at a deep level has propelled me into a much more positive frame of mind.

It's now February and in two months time we will have our answer around our family size - finally! There is sadness in the mix but more than that, there is relief. I'm so over living in the in-between and waiting for life to be different or better. I want to get back to enjoying life as it is today - instead of desperately wanting things to be different all the time.

It's almost as though a big part of me is at crossroads and wants to pull the plug now on our adoption plans. I strongly feel that that isn't God's Will for us - to adopt - so I almost cannot be bothered handing in our upgraded profile. Although I've amended all our changes and it's all ready to print, for whatever reason I just didn't get it done before our social worker went away for three weeks. So she won't get it until the end of the month now.

Even my husband has sensed a change in the wind - that we have moved on somehow from adoption. That perhaps adoption really wasn't meant to be. If I hadn't hurt my arm so badly; perhaps I wouldn't be feeling this way so strongly. But somehow having a physical injury has made it pretty obvious that right now isn't the best time for us to adopt.

Even though my physio gave me the green light to go ahead with adoption, when I sit in the silence and think about things; I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not one hundred percent well yet post-accident. I would like to change jobs this year but even with that feel I need to get a lot more stronger/further along in the healing of my arm before I can put myself out there again.

I guess over the last few years and particularly in the last few months; I have been preparing myself for the inevitable. I've got to a point in which I have to and want to create a different future. I know 2012 will be a better year because I will finally get to move on; I will finally be able to rebuild my life.

Not been able to conceive and then (most likely) not been able to adopt caused me to lose faith in dreams for quite some time. But somehow lately I've managed to pick myself up off the ground and to rediscover old dreams. My inner spark is returning as is my belief that life can be wondrous.

I've talked about it for a few years - writing a book about secondary infertility - but just wasn't quite there in my journey until now. I needed to have gotten to a certain point with it all and needed to be close to a conclusion. Well that time has finally come...

So I've made a commitment to write a book about my SIF experiences this year. Starting now! I plan to write around five hours a week and will just fit in in around mothering/my job/life.

I feel excited that I'm finally putting into action a dream I've had for so long - to write a book. Ironically the loss of one dream has fueled another dream.

I'm not healed or immune to "second-child envy" by any means. On Facebook the other day when I logged on the first three updates were all to do with second children. Over the course of the last week I have met other Mums for the first time who - without saying so - took my only having one child as a sign that I only wanted one. One Grandma who raised twins was picking up her grandson from son who is also an only child and commented about how lonely he was. All I could do was nod my head in agreement.

Next month my daughter will be seven. I've told her she would know if she would get a brother or sister by the time she is seven. In six weeks - until her birthday - I cannot see that happening.

It feels like a huge milestone as she's now in her third year at school and not so little anymore. It was hard to let go of the under five years. But five and six was still pretty little. I now have an almost seven year old who is independent in lots of ways.

I cannot perhaps express where I'm at with it all in a way that makes complete sense. But I know as far as the spiritual side of things go; I am feeling a huge release around moving on from this looooong chapter in my life. Emotionally I am relieved more than anything.