Just when I think I've decided what I want to do about things, I don't feel a hundred percent satisfied with my decision. I guess we could always say no - if by some huge miracle we got picked as adoptive parents over the next couple of months, and I didn't feel up to it.
Because that's the truth. I don't feel up to parenting another child right now - for a number of reasons. I'm emotionally burnt-out after 5.5 years of living in the inbetween - living a life on hold and hoping for something that has seemed so far out of reach. Physically I'm in a lot of pain with my arm still and exhausted as daily life has an impact on my arm and I often have sleepless nights as it's very hard to get comfortable.
Spiritually I'm probably doing well with it all. I have given up trying to make life be the way I want it to be. It is so much easier living with what is rather than what isn't.
I have discovered a new-found freedom as I get closer to the end of this rather long era in my life. I do feel a lot more positive about life and am more engaged. I guess a lot of the energy that went into the pain and grief of SIF for so long has been turned around. It is a much better place to be in.
This is my third week of turning my blog into a book. Although I enjoy writing, it does bring stuff up reading some of my posts. I certainly went through some very hard times. (understatement!)
I know things are shifting in ways I cannot describe. Perhaps because I am ready to just let things unfold as they are meant to, I can finally enjoy the life I have been given.
I've planned a few trips over the next few months. My sense of adventure and fun has been reignited. I'm off to my hometown next month for work (for a weekend), then over Easter am going on a road trip with my family of three to the Westcoast of the South Island (just over three hours drive from where we live). In June my daughter and I are heading to Sydney for my niece's 10th birthday.
It feels as though I am able to celebrate again. I realised that we hadn't been away as a family of three for a while so I'm looking forward to our family-of-three road trip.
My relationships and friendships with MOTs (Mums-Of-Two) - or more - are easier. Although a part of me will probably always get a pang of jealousy or a stab of grief when I see siblings playing together; I no longer feel as resentful to the MOTs as I used to.
I even went and had a cup of tea with a Mum Of Three who lives across the road from me yesterday. She is going through treatment for breast cancer so is going through a lot. But we were able to talk openly about all sorts of things. Because of SIF, I feel I was able to understand the emotional side of being diagnosed with cancer.
Last weekend my sister and my niece visited from Sydney. My niece is also an only-child. My daughter said she wished they were sisters but we all agreed that cousins were a close second to being siblings.
I have never really seriously considered raising an only child as I didn't want that to be the case for so long. Now that it is most likely the way it is going to be permanently, I will make allowances for that the best I can. I can no longer think the heartache of being an only child will be taken away by the arrival of another sibling as that just doesn't feel like a possibility anymore.
I think I need to do some soul-searching over the next few days and decide whether or not I want to drop off our updated profile. I think it would be quite freeing to let go of the whole adoption process right now. I need to have a few words with God to see what He thinks.
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