After my recent accident with my arm, and my five plus years of dealing with SIF; it has almost been too much.
Yet, it seems it has all been a huge lesson in powerlessness. There is so much in life that can't be controlled, or predicted. Somehow recognising this at a deep level has propelled me into a much more positive frame of mind.
It's now February and in two months time we will have our answer around our family size - finally! There is sadness in the mix but more than that, there is relief. I'm so over living in the in-between and waiting for life to be different or better. I want to get back to enjoying life as it is today - instead of desperately wanting things to be different all the time.
It's almost as though a big part of me is at crossroads and wants to pull the plug now on our adoption plans. I strongly feel that that isn't God's Will for us - to adopt - so I almost cannot be bothered handing in our upgraded profile. Although I've amended all our changes and it's all ready to print, for whatever reason I just didn't get it done before our social worker went away for three weeks. So she won't get it until the end of the month now.
Even my husband has sensed a change in the wind - that we have moved on somehow from adoption. That perhaps adoption really wasn't meant to be. If I hadn't hurt my arm so badly; perhaps I wouldn't be feeling this way so strongly. But somehow having a physical injury has made it pretty obvious that right now isn't the best time for us to adopt.
Even though my physio gave me the green light to go ahead with adoption, when I sit in the silence and think about things; I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not one hundred percent well yet post-accident. I would like to change jobs this year but even with that feel I need to get a lot more stronger/further along in the healing of my arm before I can put myself out there again.
I guess over the last few years and particularly in the last few months; I have been preparing myself for the inevitable. I've got to a point in which I have to and want to create a different future. I know 2012 will be a better year because I will finally get to move on; I will finally be able to rebuild my life.
Not been able to conceive and then (most likely) not been able to adopt caused me to lose faith in dreams for quite some time. But somehow lately I've managed to pick myself up off the ground and to rediscover old dreams. My inner spark is returning as is my belief that life can be wondrous.
I've talked about it for a few years - writing a book about secondary infertility - but just wasn't quite there in my journey until now. I needed to have gotten to a certain point with it all and needed to be close to a conclusion. Well that time has finally come...
So I've made a commitment to write a book about my SIF experiences this year. Starting now! I plan to write around five hours a week and will just fit in in around mothering/my job/life.
I feel excited that I'm finally putting into action a dream I've had for so long - to write a book. Ironically the loss of one dream has fueled another dream.
I'm not healed or immune to "second-child envy" by any means. On Facebook the other day when I logged on the first three updates were all to do with second children. Over the course of the last week I have met other Mums for the first time who - without saying so - took my only having one child as a sign that I only wanted one. One Grandma who raised twins was picking up her grandson from son who is also an only child and commented about how lonely he was. All I could do was nod my head in agreement.
Next month my daughter will be seven. I've told her she would know if she would get a brother or sister by the time she is seven. In six weeks - until her birthday - I cannot see that happening.
It feels like a huge milestone as she's now in her third year at school and not so little anymore. It was hard to let go of the under five years. But five and six was still pretty little. I now have an almost seven year old who is independent in lots of ways.
I cannot perhaps express where I'm at with it all in a way that makes complete sense. But I know as far as the spiritual side of things go; I am feeling a huge release around moving on from this looooong chapter in my life. Emotionally I am relieved more than anything.
1 comment:
Hang in there. And good luck in any area you find to be a passion. I will say there are some benefits to not having your siblings until you are older. Phoebe has been the best big sister. She was eight when the boys finally came along. It's not what I wanted, but I will admit in having twins, it was nice to have my girl who was big enough to pick them up if I was busy with the other one. Plus she was able to verbalize any jealousy she might have felt.
I'm also trying to remember what my passion is now that I'm done fighting infertility. It's taken up so much of my life, it will take me some time to get back to remembering the other joys in my life.
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