I know once we're officially out of the pool of prospective adoptive parents, I will be able to move on and make sense of things.
Over the last few days our seven year old daughter has been asking about siblings again. When she asked today I had to say that we weren't picked - that there were lots of families to choose from and they were all different so there were lots of choices for the families adopting out. I'm not sure how much of it she got. She just wanted a chance to be a "big sister".
As I walked back from the fish and chip shop tonight, I saw two siblings (one is in my daughter's class) playing happily together on a trampoline. I know our daughter is missing out, not having a sibling in so many ways. I have to try extra hard to provide her with play dates so that she is around other children as much as possible. This is easier said than done when autism is added to the mix.
Who knows how things might have gone had another child being added to our family. If it had happened biologically, perhaps we may have ended up with a second child with autism. That could have been a possibility. Or if we'd adopted, who knows what the dynamic between our daughter and another sibling would have been like. I know from the families I know with autistic children that their siblings are affected and things can be tricky. But at the same time, family is family and to have a sibling that loves you for you; that is priceless.
I spoke to a very close friend today who went through primary infertility and went on to try for another child but it didn't happen - she reached the end of the road recently with that. So we were able to share about our journey's and the relief we felt at being at the end of it all. We tried to be positive about it all, as best as we could.
I packed up some of my daughter's old clothes today to post to one of my sister-in-law's who has three children. It's all her size six and seven clothing. I always find it to be a little heart-wrenching saying goodbye to her old things - things that represent different eras that I'll never get back, especially because she's my only one.
Now my daughter is seven she seems like such a big-little girl - no longer a new entrant at school and so sophisticated in her thinking and speech in lots of ways.
Even though I am reflecting back a bit as we approach the end of the road with this journey; I am also looking forward. I just want life to be as fun and as light as possible after all the heaviness and seriousness of the last five and a half years. Life is short and I can't stop life throwing me a lemon every now and then. But I can enjoy the good bits and make the most of things the way they are.
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