Lonely Times

Dealing with the aftermath of our failed attempts at adding to our family would have to be the hardest thing I have ever being through. Mainly because I feel so very alone. There is nobody to turn to at this time, no shoulder to cry on.

Sure, God is out there somewhere but the truth me known - I am angry with him at this point in time.

I try to open up as much as I possibly can in order to release some of the pain I am carrying around. But it either falls on deaf ears or ears that get it so wrong.

This morning two Mum-of-two friends were talking about birthday parties and how they were trying to simplify things now their eldest kids were older. One of them said "It must be different for you, because you have an only child." To which I replied "Well because I couldn't have the second child I wanted, I celebrate birthdays (not that I'm saying you two don't celebrate birthdays) by going with whatever she (my daughter) wants to do." There was silence after that statement. Gosh I wish people had a clue as to how painful this actually is.

Today another friend said to me something along the lines of "You're lucky to have one, plenty of women can't have any" to which I responded "That just makes me feel more guilty for having the grief that I have." (something like that). Silence, once gain.

What I really want is someone to call or pop round for a cuppa and just me talk, let me vent, let me release my grief. But it's all too taboo, too uncomfortable and too socially awkward for most to deal with.

Even the woman from the infertility support group I started who has had a baby recently said  in an email " I couldn't pretend to understand what you're going through." But that statement has made me feel so very, very alone.

My seven year old daughter is watching a video of her first year of her life right now. I had to leave the room. I cannot do babies right now. It is too, too painful to watch knowing that that was it - I won't get to repeat those glorious years ever again.

I've felt so alone in my pain this week that I've been googling secondary infertility in a desperate attempt to ease my intense loneliness and overwhelming grief. Perhaps it's time I went for another round of counselling. I am swimming in a sea of grief that is too big for me to manage.

 I want to look on the bright side but my grief is too big right now to do that completely. I agreed with another Mum Of One (who doesn't know about my secondary infertility), that having one child had it's perks this week, such as being able to travel more and to travel longer distances (because of price). Next weekend I am taking my daughter to Sydney to see my sister and niece. I'm not sure we'd be going over for a weekend if I had two kids.

I want God to fill this baby-shaped hole with something else. It seems so unfair that after all I've been through, I'm still left feeling disappointed, dissatisfied, empty and so very, very alone. At least God, take away this desire to have another child - it seems so cruel to live with a dream that is forever-broken.

So I shall go and take my dog for a walk out in the darkness of the night now. I might shed some tears and plead with God to lessen my pain. I want to be ok, to find peace, to embrace new dreams. I want to be set free from the prison of secondary infertlity that has tormented me for way too long.