I think it is the norm that with the ending and then beginning of each stage of parenthood, there is some grief. I'm feeling that right now around my daughter starting Morning Kindy today.
At three and a half she started afternoon Kindy, which was just two hours a session, three times a week. Now she's going five mornings a week, for three - four hours a session.
It's kind of bittersweet for me, her moving to the next stage of independence. I have all these wonderful memories of her and I at home all week - just the two of us. I loved the freedom of doing what we wanted before the Kindy years. Yet at the same time obviously it's time to let go - and she's ready. My precious daughter is growing up and that sinking feeling that she-could-be-my-only-one makes it harder to let her go in some ways.
In other ways I'm ready for the extra "me time"! I have my first week as a Mum of a Morning Kindy child planned, well and truly. Today I stayed for the whole session with my daughter to familarise myself and to give her some moral support. She also had a special education teacher and her new teachers aide there. She will have a teachers aide for two hours a session so there is no need for me to hover around, though I will certainly be popping in and out of Kindy from time to time.
So tomorrow morning I'm off to the gym at 9.15 with a friend followed by a sauna and a coffee. Wednesday and Thursday I'm going to do the gym thing again and Friday I'm meeting another friend for a coffee and a walk on the beach.
I soooooo deserve this bonus me time. I feel like I need the space to just be and process the last few weeks/months - even years. Gone is the dream of having a baby at home while my daughter moved into Morning Kindy. The only person I will be nurturing will be me - but I think that's a good thing.
Tomorrow night we start our marriage counselling and I feel pretty good about that. Good that I instigated it and am making the space and time to look at "us." (Just got the reminder phone-call as I wrote that).
I've also been going with who I am/where I want to go in life a lot. I am someone who truly values relationships and friendships with others and it's important to me to make the time to catch up with those that are dear to me (as friends and family are scattered all over the place). So I'm off to Auckland in late June for a friends 40th for a weekend - just me! And late October I am taking my Mum to see Mamma Mia! in Wellington - which equates to another weekend away for me.
I just really need the personal space at the moment. Yet at the same time I'm attempting to stay in more at night - to not go so much to the gym then - more in the mornings when and if it works out. I'm pretty good at running away from things. I know I've been running away from the pain of SIF from time to time.
I've had some amazing deep and meaningful conversations with some friends lately. I guess I am in a space where I am open to change and am just going with the flow - whatever that means in my life. Perhaps things are going to be a little different to what I'd hoped - or expected. I'm not sure. It is not so scarey to just let things go the way they are heading anymore. I guess I've stopped fighting or trying to make my life go a certain way. It just is where it is. Neither here nor there right now - but it's going somewhere.
I posted off our first official application for going through with adoption this afternoon. It feels a little odd to have done that given so many aspects of my life - internal life at least - are up in the air/being altered. It does open a can of worms for me thinking about adoption. I especially don't feel good enough as a prospective adoptive parent. But we are just who we are and are just where we are in life so all we can do is apply and see if we meet the criteria for prospective adoptive parents. Ideally I would have preferred to have been in a better financial situation, to have our own home, to be in a better place within my marriage and to not be so scarred by SIF - but it's just the way it is.
I figure it's going to take months to process all the paperwork - we are only at the beginning. I don't think it's a bad thing continuing the adoption process despite some of the uncertainities going on. Obviously we'd pull out if it totally felt like the wrong thing to do.
When someone asked me about adoption the other day I said I didn't know if it was the answer for us. That's my truth - I don't know. But we have nothing to lose if we proceed.
I just feel like I've entered a new chapter where it's about a big farewell to the pre-Kindy years. All the time and energy I've put into my daughter - especially with her ASD - can now start to go into me as well. I'm grateful my daughter and I have another year together before school. At least we still have the afternoons together.
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