Sigh. The ups and downs of this SIF ride continue. Even though my dream of another child is not my obsession as such anymore, it still haunts me and overwhelms me at times.
My daughter finishes afternoon Kindy this week. It was a short era - just six months as she didn't get in until she was three and a half because the waiting list was so long. (Kids typically start afternoon Kindy at three years old in New Zealand). I feel like I've just gotten used to her being out of the home for three afternoons a week (two hours a session) and she's moving on to the another stage next term - morning Kindy.
There is some mourning going on from my end that is for sure. Once again that feeling of this-could-be-my-only-child-and-she's-on-to-the-next-stage-already permeates my being.
I kind of wanted to settle my daughter into morning Kindy before embarking on taking on extra work. I have been looking for part-time work for the last few weeks which has caused me a lot of emotional turmoil - trying to figure out how it can all possibly work. It has complicated things having a child with ASD - childcare just isn't so easy to work out. Group childcare situations are subsidised well by the government but nannys aren't so much. I am angry at God that financially our family is under pressure but I know we aren't the only ones struggling in these uncertain times.
I have been phoning around to see what kind of financial help we can get for a special needs child. So far I have been coming up a whole heap of brick walls. My whole being is pretty much against getting a "carer" but I am trying so hard to keep an open mind around it.
I went for a job interview as a librarian assistant last week - I made the top three. If I get the job I will accept it - it's 16 hours a week (plus extra hours when needed) and because my daughter will be in morning Kindy, we wouldn't have to get too much extra help child-care wise in the school terms. Holidays would be a different story but I guess we'll cross that bridge if and when necessary.
The last seven months have been full-on since my daughters ASD diagnosis. I am working closely with the Kindy teachers and specialists and a lot of my "spare" time goes into paperwork, social stories and planning for my daughter. I don't resent the time and energy that is needed to "normalise" my child as such. I resent more the fact that I am already carrying a full load with managing her needs - and mine! - I am just not so sure how taking on extra work will go.
Somehow I am still trusting God amongst all this. If I get the library job then I trust everything else will fall into place. If I don't - I have put myself out there in the workforce again and something more suitable to family life might turn up.
I took my daughter to her last ever music session on Friday - since she will be starting morning Kindy next term we will no longer be able to go. I felt a big sentimental as I took my daughter there regularly from the age of six months to three and a half years. We only went back on Friday to farewell the teacher who has been running the sessions for the last five plus years.
One MOTH was there with her three day old baby, glowing and happy. I had the green-eyed monster big-time! A MOT-to-be friend is about to have her baby very soon and was there too and also looks amazing. My sister-in-law had her second child yesterday. Hmmm. I am just finding it hard to be genuinely happy for them all. It's one of those times in which bumps and babes seem to be all around.
I feel like I still have so much more hard work to do on myself/my marriage. It is quite obvious to me that where we are right now as a couple is not a good place to bring another child into the mix. We are not fighters - there is not major conflict going on or anything like that. It's more to do with having put a child ahead of us for so long - as many couples do - and having no energy for us. I don't know who reads this so I shouldn't blab too much. But it's part of my SIF jounrey so I am okay sharing snippets. All I know is I'm going through what a lot of women go through I think - they have the baby and some marriage difficulties/differences surface and it's kinda like - now what? I bet a lot of women have more children to fill some kind of a hole in their lives.
I am aware that I desperately wanted another child so I didn't have to look at all this crap. I want a rest from all this emotional work - it's been a good two years or more of intense personal examining. Time for a breather soon - surely!! Tomorrow night my husband and I are finally going to an information session for parents who want to adopt. It'll be interesting. I know we need to get us sorted before going down that road seriously. But we'll start the ball rolling all the same.
On a positive note we took our daughter to Christchurch to see The Wiggles live this weekend. It was an awesome concert - we all enjoyed it. It was yet another reminder of how lucky I am to be blessed with my daughter, being able to share special experiences like that with her. I curse myself for not being able to accept that one child is enough. I really wish I felt that. I am getting there with that though - slowly but surely.
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