A big emotional backlash

I feel okay today but boy did I feel like shite yesterday. A lot of my SIF stuff was right up there after our trip up North last week in which we saw several MOTs.

We had our second marriage counselling session on Tuesday night. The counsellor draw up a very basic model around grief illustrating how it lessons over time, but that it is always there, and that it's a process - a case of reverting to deeper grief at times because of triggers etc. I know our trip up North was a big trigger for me. Yesterday all those feelings of hopelessness, anger, resentment, disappointment, and despair flooded my being. When this happens I feel so annoyed with myself - I think I've made so much progress - only to feel consumed by my SIF pain all over again.

But I'm okay today. It's kind of like I came, I saw, I conquered with our visit to MOTsville last week. It wasn't easy, but I was able to put my pain aside so that I could catch-up with friends and family.

Last night I went to a meeting for prospective pupils at the local primary school. Even though my daughter is a year away (or more) from starting school, I wanted to check it out and start building relationships with the teachers there. Yet the thought of my daughter trotting off to school in a years time had me on the verge of tears. A Mum next to me did cry - and this was at the thought of her sixth child going to school! So naturally a MOO like myself would feel a bit emotional around the thought of her only off-spring going to school.

I've been thinking how the adoption process has caused me to feel like I have to prove I am the perfect parent - a good Mum etc on paper - and then in person (if we get that far). I feel like we perhaps do fall short in a few areas (my critical perspective only) and that brings up feelings of not feeling good enough to parent another child all over again. Yet I have to keep reminding myself that we are doing the best that we can as parents - we are who we are - I/we shouldn't have to bend over backwards to prove our worth as prospective adoptive parents.

Another concern of mine has been that adopting another child probably won't wipe away my SIF grief completely. I can imagine how wonderful it would be to add to our family and know that it could be a joyful experience. Yet I think I would be fooling myself if I thought I would never feel any emotional pain ever again around not being able to conceive a second biological child. Perhaps over time the desire will fade.

My pregnant neighbour basically apologised for being pregnant yesterday which makes me feel pretty bad. She said she felt guilty that she was pregnant and I wasn't. I certainly don't want anyone to feel bad that they are fertile and I'm not. But I can see why she felt like that. All I ever wanted was some compassion yet my desperate attempts to seek empathy have no doubt come across as resentment and jealousy a lot of the time.

I'm not sure where my body is at these days. No AF for a couple of months and emotionally I've struggled to keep myself on an even keel. I have a phone consult with my herbalist tomorrow which I'm looking forward to as I ran out of my herbs about a month ago.

I still feel a bit like we are in this groundhog stage in our lives. Yet going away up North confirmed one thing at least - that Nelson is a pretty amazing place to live. I so love the sunny weather and am appreciating it immensely after a week of pretty bad weather up North.