On The Edge Of Sanity

What a week. It seems the grief of SIF ebbs and flows. Sometimes I get caught under a very big wave and it seems to take forever to come up for air. Other times living with the grief of SIF is like treading water - I'm okay but it's hard work to stay afloat. Sometimes it's even as gentle as paddling in the shallow waters.

This week a tidal wave came my way. I went way, way under and really wondered if I was going to survive. The pain was so incredibly overwhelming I even questioned whether I could take it any more.

I have wondered if I have been going a bit mad as I have certainly felt on the edge of sanity. Am I just a depressed person? Bi-polar, even? What the f**k do these mood swings mean? Is it menopause or am I in emotional overwhelm? When will I be on an even keel again? Should I just surrender myself as a mad woman?

I don't know the answers. But what I do know is I am just going to go with where I am at emotionally/physically/spiritually. Phooey to the health professionals who have declared that I am not in menopause. My body and mind certainly think so so I am choosing to go with that for now.

Thinking I had a hormonal imbalance that was caused by something other than menopause only gave me false-hope. No wonder I have been deep in despair at the loss of my periods all over again. I am sick of thinking I have done something wrong - that I am not positive enough etc because my damned periods have stopped! They have stopped because I am in perimenopause or I have POF (premature ovarian failure). It's as simple as that.

I believe I have never allowed myself to really grieve my loss - losing my fertility. I may have written about it - a lot. But I haven't drowned completely in my pain because if I did then it would make it all more real - I would have to face reality. Believe me, I don't want this to be my reality but it is. It just makes it so much easier for me to face it rather than deny it's happening.

Interestingly, as I've shifted to this space this week I have felt myself let go of my second biological child on a deep level. Or at least, I've started to let go. Yesterday morning during my Bodybalance class during the meditation I had a visualisation which explains SIF really well:
Me, my husband, and my daughter were standing in a row next to an open grave as a small casket was lowered into the ground. It was covered in a black blanket that gently flapped in the slight Autumn breeze. There were other people present, but we were the only ones right by the coffin. It was a bright sunny day yet there was a chill in the air. We were all suitably dressed in black and the mood was very somber. I had a black veil across my face and the tears were streaming and I attempted to brush them away. I stepped forward first and dropped a long-stemmed red rose on to the coffin. Next my husband stepped forward and did the same. His heaviness was apparent just in a couple of foot-steps. Finally our daughter stepped forward and hestitated before also dropping a rose and looking right into the deep hole in front of her. I had a sense my Mum was there behind us, but she didn't move. She was there, supporting us in our loss. We were saying goodbye to the daughter/sister and grand-daughter that we will never know. And I believe there is a part of me that will grieve for this much-wanted child for the rest of my life.

However I know now the pain will lessen at some points of my life - and will be more profound at other points. I guess I had my own personal expectations around my own grief this week and expected that I was close to being "over it" - since it has been over two and a half years since we started TTC for child number two.

I have been thinking how I am ready to sell off some of our baby gear now. Except the high-chair - I am a bit sentimental about that. But just say it works out, and we do adopt a child - then I'm sure we can buy back everything we need. Somehow the baby gear that is stored in the garage feels like dead wood. It feels quite timely to start letting go of it now.

My daughter has been asking where her sister is this week. She is quite curious about cousins and sisters and is trying to work out who is who. She has a good friend without a sibling so I am able to say "Not everyone has a sister". She seems to think we can just create one for her out of thin air (oh I wish I could!).

We - our little family have all been affected by SIF. It's not just my pain, my loss or my tragedy. My husband shed a tear when I shared my funeral visualisation with him. It is a very real grief that I guess we are giving ourselves permission to acknowledge fully as a couple now we are in counselling together.

I just want to feel good again. But perhaps for now I am in a grieving phase all over again. I have my mornings free while my daughter is at Morning Kindy - more time to think - and feel. I do feel God by my side. I haven't been abandoned. It's a heck of a long tunnel - but I will come out of it one day. The light is there - sometimes it just feels a little further away than I'd like it to be.