The different categories of SIF

I will have been praying for another shot at motherhood for three years this September. Secondary infertility is described as having trouble conceiving after a year of TTC (when the first time round conception was relatively easy). So really I can only describe myself as being a secondary infertile for almost two years. However, after six months of TTC, my wonky cycles had me alerted to there being a problem on the conception front. The textbook definition for SIF is a year of regular sex with no results. I'm sure I read somewhere that those in their late thirtes/early forties ought to consider getting outside help if after six months there isn't any success.

So I feel like I've been a secondary infertile pretty much for the (almost) full three years of TTC. I guess I feel like that because I have been concerned and carrying a lot of angst this whole time - I have been so, so afraid that my dream of having another biological child would never come into fruitation.

As the average secondary infertile will attest; secondary infertility is a lonely experience to go through. This was why I started this blog November 2007 and shortly after joined the secondary infertility community on Dailystrength. Blogging was and still is a great way to vent and share my SIF experience but it is just a little one-sided talking about me all the time! Dailystrength helped fill that void at first. Now I'm not so sure. The reason why? A lot of the "friends" I befriended on Dailystrength are either up the duff or got their second shot at motherhood and I feel like I have been left behind in the dust.

As time has gone on, many of my "friends" on Dailystrength have fallen by the wayside. In my opinion, this is because SIF falls into three categories:
1. The Delayed Conceivers: In my book, conceiving just under a year of TTC your second child or falling pregnant even after eighteen months of TTC is not a long time. It is merely delayed conception. It is without a doubt frustrating as it involves many months of the dreaded BFNs. But they say God has a plan with all this - perhaps baby number two was just meant to come along that little bit later for the ladies in this category.
2. The Need A Helping Hand SIs (secondary infertiles): Perhaps the first time round, the women (and men) in this category got pregnant naturally. However, for whatever reason, the second time round trying for a baby something was amiss - they weren't ovulating, there was a cyst, maybe even several miscarriages occurred. After several pained tries at specialist input, bingo the jackpot was made and a bun was in the oven. Was the right remedy found in this case? Was it really IVF number three that was the magic number or again - did God just plan it this way? Were these couples meant to go through a couple - several years of angst to test their faith? Often those who've experienced IF or SIF claim that their faith has been renewed once a much longed for babe was been blessed to their families.
3. The Unlikely to Conceive Again SIs (secondary infertiles) : The SIs in this category "know" they are most unlikely to conceive again. Most of them won't have the concrete proof so they hang in secondary infertile waters hoping to join those in category two. A lot of the time they wonder if they are kidding themselves. Yet some hope remains - and a lot of wishful thinking. If a pregnancy occurs it will be a miracle - an against-the-odds outcome. Another biological child just might not be part of Gods plan for these women. The women in this category will probably have to accept their infertility at some point. Either they'll choose to accept the status quo family-wise or will consider adoption as a viable way of adding to their family. Some of the women here could perhaps have conceived if they'd had the time or money, but financial restrictions and/or age may have indicated that their TTC days were over.

Which category am I in? Category three, I believe. Many of my Dailystrength friends are in category one or two. It is perhaps too awkward for many of my "friendships" to continue at this point because of what can only be described as a kind of on-line awkward silence. I don't want to hear about their bumps and babies all that much. And I get the feeling my on-going "fight" with SIF is somewhat old to those that have moved on from this terrible chapter in their lives.

I have just a few friends in category three and although I am glad I am not the only one left behind as such, I am sad for these friends. Many of my category three friends aren't around so often as I know it hurts them too to watch other women one by one falling pregnant. I need them though - so if you are a category three SI - know that you are very important to me. I have appreciated my Dailystrength friendships all the way through. However, I know it is time to let go of some of them soon. It's an unfortunate aspect of being part of a secondary infertility community - some will fall pregnant, and some won't. It is very hard to swallow the bitter pill while others get what you had so desperately hoped for. It's kind of like not getting a rose on The Batchelor!