SIF is an exhausting business - particularly emotionally so. Try as I might to retrain my brain to think in the gray; I invariably end up trying to slot my personal SIF into a box and wind up feeling quite depressed and frustrated for doing so.
Last Thursday I went to visit a clairvoyant. I have seen him before - around six years ago at a group session (of all things). There were around eight women in the room and we all got a ten minute or so reading. He was pretty accurate. Back then he told me that "family would come". This was a good year or so ahead of TTC - way before I knew if I was fertile or not.
I felt I was ready to go and get some "other world" help; mainly because I've been feeling so stuck in my SIF journey for so long. Well after a nintety-minute consult with the clarivoyant I felt strongly that everything was happening as it was meant to. I feel back on track.
The actual reading is still a bit of a blur. The clarivoyants style is just to talk as things "come to him". He was amazingly accurate around a lot of things. And yes, pretty early into the reading he asked if I had two children. When I said just one, and had one miscarriage he said there was a girl-spirit around me who was like my guardian angel. Several times in the reading he stressed keeping an open mind around how it would happen - to not discount getting pregnant even, and to ignore the stats etc - because a girl was going to be "placed" in our family.
He touched on other areas in my life which were all pretty spot on including some relationships. The thing is I had just gotten to this point recently where I felt very strongly it was time to just "be" - time to heal. I have been fighting SIF for so long and second-guessing God for so long - even self-diagnosing myself within SIF - that I am now completely exhausted from it all.
As the clairvoyant clarified; now is a time of slowly down and mediating and allowing myself to daydream - it's time to reclaim my dreams. It's about connecting with my spiritual side - not my emotional side so much. I know that allowing myself to be will settle me down and allow peace and therefore happiness to enter my being again - as he also said.
I know I've heard others who have miscarried share that they felt the spirit of their lost children around them. I believe very strongly that I have had this girl-spirit around me for a couple of years now. Whether this is connected to the miscarriage, I'm not sure. I actually felt a girl-spirit around me before TTC our daughter - a good couple of years before. Is this the maternal urge talking? Spirits of babies-to-be tapping us on the shoulder and entering our minds, bodies and souls so that we will fight for them to be born? I think so. Perhaps a little way out for some but when the clairvoyant picked up on the girl-spirit being around me, I had tears in my eyes because someone else saw that. Perhaps this is why SIF is so painful - I cannot let go of this desire to have another child because I already love her. Whether she remains in the spiritual world or joins our family remains to be seen. But somehow it is freeing acknowledging to myself that it's okay to have this enormous love for a child who isn't "here".
My feeling is that for the next six months or so - the rest of the year - it is a time for resting/healing/enjoying each other (our family of three). I have grieved having a second child so many times and went quite deeply into that grief recently. I go through phases of wanting to explain my SIF to myself - to understand it and to even close the door on it. But it's still not over. I don't know what's in store for me. I do hope there's an addition to our family. Yet I feel it is time to let go of a lot of the baby gear we have. It's kind of like that saying "If you love something set it free if it comes back it's yours, if not it was never meant to be."
1 comment:
Sounds like a great reading, but I like your attitude as well. One of the things I found great comfort from in reading Julia Indichova's books was the concept of getting connected with what you wanted out of life other than babies and to make sure you pursue them. I also believe life is very cyclical and there seems to be a waiting/storing of energy time that fuels a time to reap the rewards. I know for many years I felt like things were stagnant with my career and our family life, but I feel like since November 2008, our family has been achieving our goals both in our career as well as family goals.
Wishing you lots of luck and hang in there. Take the time to enjoy what you have and lay the groundwork for what comes next. God has a plan for us all.
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