Moving forward

I guess for the first-time in a long time I feel as though I am moving forward in my life. It seemed like for what felt like forever at one point, life was at a standstill and I was stuck in this nightmare known as SIF.

Finally I really feel like I have stepped beyond that chapter of my life; even though I am still greatly affected by it. I believe it will take me a few months or more to reconcile myself post-SIF. But I am getting there.

On Tuesday a mortgage broker is coming round so our dreams of house ownership feel like they are just around the corner. 2010 has started off on a positive note. In 2009 we went through some financial hardship so it has been a relief to start the year without those worries. I have been in my new job for three months now and am feeling a lot more settled there so am ready to face the next change - moving house. We have been in our rental for six years and we love it here so it will be a big change to move out for all of us.

There is a house around the corner that has been sitting on the market for a few months that we like. I'm hoping and trusting that God has the plan worked out and that soon we will have a preapproved home loan and will be able to make an offer on that house. If that house isn't the one for us; there will be another one. Either way it feels like the winds of change are sweeping through our home which is a nice feeling after three years of feeling like our lives weren't going anywhere.

While my daughter and I were away on holiday she asked me a few times about why she didn't have a sibling and asked for a sister when she turns five! It saddens me a little to know she feels this way yet at the same time I know she's trying to get her head around who fits in where in our family/extended family - Uncles, Aunts, Cousins etc. She really enjoyed the company of her seven year old cousin for eleven nights when we were away and that opened her eyes to the whole sibling thing.

Our respite carer for our daughter is back after being away most of the holidays so my husband and I have a date tonight to see Avatar in 3D. It feels like life is going back to normal again after the holidays with Kindy started up again - we are back into the swing of things.

My biggest challenge right now is speaking up within my marriage. I certainly have family of origin communication issues so am a big WIP around that. But the counselling is helping - there seems to be so much I want to say yet haven't been able to express it. Post-SIF I at least have more clarity around what is relevant to my marriage and what is just my stuff. I feel God in the equation and am just enjoying allowing things to flow, to heal and to just be in a way.

I've faced the growing families at Kindy - there is always some family with a new addition after the Summer holidays. A Kindy teacher said to me about one of the Kindy kids that she got a new brother or sister over the holidays. I still get a pang in my stomach/a wee jab in the heart when I hear this kind of news. But I feel more accepting lately that that just wasn't God's will for me. I'm on another path which is quite different to that of the average fertile woman. I have been on a very deep emotional and spiritual journey which I believe has made me a better person. The message I'm getting from God is that things can only go up from here.

I've learnt a few things

I just got back today from eleven nights away with my daughter at my Mum's holiday home. My Mum was there plus my sister and niece who live in Australia. We don't get to see each other very often so it was nice to just hang out together and to do a few activities in the region.

What I probably enjoyed most about the break was the opportunity to take some time out of our domestic life to have the space to heal from SIF. I think I have been craving some "me time" for a while so it seemed to be just what I needed. Although I was still looking after my daughter, I did manage to have a few walks alone on the beach and some quiet moments just reading my book. Basically I was able to just "be".

The setting out at my Mum's holiday home is just breath-taking - I never tire of it. It is by the sea - a rugged kind of setting with a stony beach. I find it very easy to access the God of my understanding there and have done so on numerous occasions over the years.

Post-SIF it seemed I have had a lot of stuff to let go of. But what surprised me is how when I went for some walks on the beach I felt light, free, at peace and very connected to God. On the first walk I thought I must have just been in a very good space. Yet on all the walks I went on out there - four all up - I felt a very strong connection to God and somehow the last three years made sense to me, in a I-don't-need-to-know-why-it-happened kind of a way. I guess I will be able to tell in time how long-lasting this peace-filled phase will last; but it felt as though I had some kind of spiritual awakening out there on the beach as I let go of a lot of the SIF angst and grief from the last three years.

While away I also went to my second counselling session which was great. It is really helping me get some things into perspective and to walk a little faster away from SIF. I am seeing more and more the gifts that have come as a consequence of SIF. They weren't gifts I asked for, that is sure. They are the kind of gifts that come from pain. Post-SIF I can see how more resilient, sure of myself, at peace, strong, healed and powerful I am. Through counselling I can see that although I didn't enjoy it at the time; I had to go through SIF mainly alone. There are simply some things in life that we go through that cannot be walked by others. It is in these times that we find ourselves - even if we feel lost and lonely in the process.

I have just finished reading Marian Keyes book Angels while away. Miscarriage is part of the story and as a consequence there is a marriage breakdown. Of course it is all written in a witty way with Marian Keyes as the author; but I was struck at how timely it was that I was reading this book when dealing with some of my own confusion. However in the course of eleven days or so I seem to have done a bit of a turnaround. Amazingly, some of the disappointments and expectations I felt just some time ago have shifted. I do believe it was a God-thing. Like somehow on that first walk that I went on on the beach when away; God took some of my SIF emotional baggage away . I have also been working the twelve steps around SIF and have been on Step 8/9 which is all about forgiveness/making amends.

I have learnt so much post-SIF - and am still gaining insights into this big thing that I went through in my life. I have learnt that I need to speak up more - to communicate my needs to others. I have learnt that God is my best friend and I can go through some pretty big stuff with just Him by side. I have learnt that my friends and family really did the best they could during SIF and will probably never understand how big a deal/how life-changing it was for me and that's okay. Me and God know and that's enough (plus a few friends online!). I have learnt that light times follow dark times and things can only get better after enduring long-term emotional hardship.

I have learnt that I have a great marriage and SIF skewed my perspective for a while. But I needed some time to regroup, reflect and reassess after going through a personal crisis. I wasn't committed to my marriage for a while as I lost me for a while and didn't know what I wanted. I need to communicate all this to my husband and believe I finally have the strength, courage and perspective to do so now.

I have learnt that pain is indeed part of life and sometimes I cannot do much at all for others when going through their own trials and tribulations except pray for them. I have learnt that being imperfect is okay - I'm learning to love my infertile-self even though I have felt let-down by my body for some time.

I'm sure there are more lessons to be revealed post-SIF. I just am so glad to be feeling "happy, joyous and free" (to use a recovery expression). I guess I am just moving forward and see the next step for us as buying a house. I am feeling a lot more settled in my new job now and feel as though 2010 will be a good year for us. I'm looking forward to picking up the adoption process again in June but until then am focused on improving communication on the martial-front, getting a home loan/buying a house and settling my daughter into school (she starts in just over seven weeks!) I also want to start painting and writing again. Life is good! What a turnaroud! I was in such angst just a couple of weeks ago. Amazing what a holiday/change of scene/fresh air can do!

Forgiveness

I am riddled with some pretty raw emotions at this point in time. What is becoming clear, however, is how post-SIF I have a lot of resentment that I haven't let go of. This resentment is comprised of anger and hurt towards some of those around me who I felt didn't support me during my dark days of SIF.

On one hand I understand that unless you've been through SIF; you cannot understand it. Yet on another hand I think I did ask for what I needed in some of the relationships around me and I still didn't get what I needed. I am trying to stay as close to God as possible at this time as I process some very difficult, conflicting emotions. The bottom-line is I don't trust some of those around me like I used to since going through SIF and this mistrust is causing me to question my relationships with those concerned.

It makes sense that post-SIF there is a kind of emotional debris to clean up. It's not like you go through SIF, find out your worst nightmare is true (not being able to have another child) and then carry on with life - la de da... There is a phase, it seems, in which one's personal tragedy needs to be understood. I don't want to do too much navel-gazing, however (God knows I've done enough of that over the last three plus years!) but I am just going with where my feelings are taking me.

I have written a letter to the infertility specialist I will be seeing mid-February (to get closure/answers around my case). It is a back-story of the last three plus years. I will post that tomorrow along with some photocopies of letters from my obsterician.

I really do want to just move on but it seems even post-SIF I have several emotional mountains to climb. I will be away for almost two weeks from tomorrow with my daughter staying with family at my Mum's holiday home. I won't be in cyberspace in that time so will just try to have early nights and to take it easy as I'll be returning back to work at my second-job on Wednesday after a three and a half week break. I have another counselling session next week and am looking forward to that.

My emotions are overwhelming me at the moment as I work through some big-stuff but I trust in time things will level out again. Thank God for this blog and for Dailystrength - they are my saving graces.

Reclaiming my femininity

A big part of SIF for me has been about losing my femininity. Losing an ovary and my fertility has equated to a big loss of my sense of self and my identity as a woman. I have been thinking how infertility for a woman has to have some parallels to having a mastecromy as a result of breast cancer. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose a breast - or even two breasts. Yet I do know what it feels like to lose a big part of my womanhood as a consequence of SIF.

I've decided to look after myself the best way I know how thus far in 2010 as far as improving my self-worth as a woman goes. For one I have had an underwear upgrade and will now only buy underwear I feel good in. My old underwear that makes me feel quite unsexy will be used for gym-works only (!) I got some lingerie as well - something I don't normally bother with. But I feel I need an extra-boost to feel good as a woman again.

On New Years Eve I went and got my hair highlighted. For the last few months it has been a block dark-brown colour and it just didn't feel like "me". So I've gone back to a colour I know suits me and is more my natural colour and am going to keep my hair a little longer for now. Being able to tie my hair back helps me to feel a bit more girly.

I have also been through my wardrobe and thrown away a couple of ripped pairs of jeans. I've sorted my clothes out so they are in sections and have realised just how many dresses I have. I've been wearing them a bit this Summer so far and have been enjoying wearing frocks. Also I have put on a wee amount of weight over the Christmas break so they fit better than jeans at this point! ;)

I had a clean-out of my jewellery drawer - I threw out all the unmatching earrings and have enjoyed starting to wear some of my jewellery again. I'm not a diamonds kind of a girl - my jewellery is more along the lines of funky/unusual jewellery that I've picked up here and there. I've been enjoying "playing girls" with my outfits of late.

What I'm getting at is SIF has caused me to feel a lot older than I am - and almost asexual. But I have always been young-at-heart with my own sense of style so I am enjoying rediscovering that about myself again. Getting my new job towards the end of last year resulted in me buying some new clothes and so I have been dressing more as a working-Mum rather than an at-home Mum lately.

I do have to put the effort into feeling good about myself as this affects how I feel within my marriage and obviously carries into intimacy and other areas.

I had my first counselling session (this time round!) on Tuesday. It was good. It was confronting - and has given me a lot of food for thought - but it is something I feel I need to go through at this point in time. My counsellor started mapping my family of origin stuff and as I suspected - some of the emotional stuff that is right up there right now is old stuff that has been triggered as a consequence of SIF. I'm confused around what is what at this point - what is my stuff from the past - and what is stuff from the present. So it is certainly a good thing that I am sorting that out right now. I think I have felt stuck post-SIF for a while and now I feel as though I am moving somewhere.

Last night I went out for a cuppa with two of the women from the IF support group I've started up. It is so rewarding to hear how much they value the group. They are still at the stage of going through procedures so I feel like I am quite a different place to them. It was certainly a group that was needed in this town and this year I will advertise/promote the group a bit more to health professionals.

Over the next couple of days I will be getting my file ready to send to the fertility specialist I am seeing mid-February (to seek answers/closure around my SIF). It feels as though I am tying up some loose-ends with my SIF and that feels good.

My holidays are coming to an end soon - I will be back at work on Wednesday after about three and a half weeks off, though I went back to my Sunday job this Sunday gone. My daughter and I will be staying out at my Mum's holiday home for almost two weeks as of Tuesday as my Mum, sister and niece will all be there (we are a scattered family, living through-out NZ/OZ). It will be good to be out there and works out well as my Mum and sister will be able to help look after my daughter when I go to work.

I'm in a pretty good space at the moment. I do have some unsettling inner-conflicts that I am living with that I am working out via counselling but all in all I feel okay. I feel the winds of change touching on my life but I'm not sure where exactly I am being led. More will be revealed in time.

Stronger because of SIF

2010 is the year in which I will no longer be beaten down by SIF!! After three years of immense grief, endless pity-parties and unbearable longing for another biological child; I have had enough!

Sure, the SIF feelings will come up, but they will no longer dictate who I am and how I operate in the world. I can feel the changes already. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?

I feel an inner-strength emerging that is causing me to look deep within, to reassess, to take the bull by the horns as such and to strive for the very best in my life. I deserve it. It is almost indescribable this transformation that is taking place. It's a feeling that I can face anything life throws at me post-SIF - life no longer has to be perfect - because it isn't perfect. Somehow accepting the imperfections in my life - and myself (as an infertile woman) - is giving me the freedom and courage to live the life I really want to. From the outside things may look exactly the same for now, but over time some changes may or may not occur externally.

I am really looking forward to starting my counselling sessions on Tuesday. I am ready to explore some difficult subject matters that have been boiling beneath the surface. Some change does need to happen in some areas in my life and I am ready to confront that and to make the changes, whatever the outcome.

I have this deep, reassurring inner-calm that tells me I will be okay - whatever life brings from here on in. I suppose that is the up-side of having lived through - and survived (!) a huge disappointment in life. I am learning that life goes on, we all go through trials and tribulations at some point and best of all - the hard times do shape our lives and can even lead to better things - if we are open enough to be receptive to the change on offer.

So watch this space. I'm not going to make any resolutions for 2010 as I know I will live this year in a much bolder, stronger and wiser fashion than I have for the last three. All I want to do is put SIF behind me while continuing to encourage and support women going through SIF via this blog, Dailystrength, the IF support group I started and eventually - the book about SIF that I want to write.

In the midst of SIF I was afraid to dream again as I thought I only had one dream - to have two biological children. But by letting go of that dream; new dreams are emerging - and they are different dreams to what I've perhaps held on to for so long. I lived with the blinkers on for several years as I stubbornly refused to let go of my Will - to have another biological child. I feel at much more peace that SIF was simply God's Will for me. Accepting and feeling this is giving me the freedom to finally move on and embrace some new things in my life. Spiritually I feel renewed. Emotionally I feel secure. Psychologically I feel in-balance again.