Forgiveness

I am riddled with some pretty raw emotions at this point in time. What is becoming clear, however, is how post-SIF I have a lot of resentment that I haven't let go of. This resentment is comprised of anger and hurt towards some of those around me who I felt didn't support me during my dark days of SIF.

On one hand I understand that unless you've been through SIF; you cannot understand it. Yet on another hand I think I did ask for what I needed in some of the relationships around me and I still didn't get what I needed. I am trying to stay as close to God as possible at this time as I process some very difficult, conflicting emotions. The bottom-line is I don't trust some of those around me like I used to since going through SIF and this mistrust is causing me to question my relationships with those concerned.

It makes sense that post-SIF there is a kind of emotional debris to clean up. It's not like you go through SIF, find out your worst nightmare is true (not being able to have another child) and then carry on with life - la de da... There is a phase, it seems, in which one's personal tragedy needs to be understood. I don't want to do too much navel-gazing, however (God knows I've done enough of that over the last three plus years!) but I am just going with where my feelings are taking me.

I have written a letter to the infertility specialist I will be seeing mid-February (to get closure/answers around my case). It is a back-story of the last three plus years. I will post that tomorrow along with some photocopies of letters from my obsterician.

I really do want to just move on but it seems even post-SIF I have several emotional mountains to climb. I will be away for almost two weeks from tomorrow with my daughter staying with family at my Mum's holiday home. I won't be in cyberspace in that time so will just try to have early nights and to take it easy as I'll be returning back to work at my second-job on Wednesday after a three and a half week break. I have another counselling session next week and am looking forward to that.

My emotions are overwhelming me at the moment as I work through some big-stuff but I trust in time things will level out again. Thank God for this blog and for Dailystrength - they are my saving graces.