I guess for the first-time in a long time I feel as though I am moving forward in my life. It seemed like for what felt like forever at one point, life was at a standstill and I was stuck in this nightmare known as SIF.
Finally I really feel like I have stepped beyond that chapter of my life; even though I am still greatly affected by it. I believe it will take me a few months or more to reconcile myself post-SIF. But I am getting there.
On Tuesday a mortgage broker is coming round so our dreams of house ownership feel like they are just around the corner. 2010 has started off on a positive note. In 2009 we went through some financial hardship so it has been a relief to start the year without those worries. I have been in my new job for three months now and am feeling a lot more settled there so am ready to face the next change - moving house. We have been in our rental for six years and we love it here so it will be a big change to move out for all of us.
There is a house around the corner that has been sitting on the market for a few months that we like. I'm hoping and trusting that God has the plan worked out and that soon we will have a preapproved home loan and will be able to make an offer on that house. If that house isn't the one for us; there will be another one. Either way it feels like the winds of change are sweeping through our home which is a nice feeling after three years of feeling like our lives weren't going anywhere.
While my daughter and I were away on holiday she asked me a few times about why she didn't have a sibling and asked for a sister when she turns five! It saddens me a little to know she feels this way yet at the same time I know she's trying to get her head around who fits in where in our family/extended family - Uncles, Aunts, Cousins etc. She really enjoyed the company of her seven year old cousin for eleven nights when we were away and that opened her eyes to the whole sibling thing.
Our respite carer for our daughter is back after being away most of the holidays so my husband and I have a date tonight to see Avatar in 3D. It feels like life is going back to normal again after the holidays with Kindy started up again - we are back into the swing of things.
My biggest challenge right now is speaking up within my marriage. I certainly have family of origin communication issues so am a big WIP around that. But the counselling is helping - there seems to be so much I want to say yet haven't been able to express it. Post-SIF I at least have more clarity around what is relevant to my marriage and what is just my stuff. I feel God in the equation and am just enjoying allowing things to flow, to heal and to just be in a way.
I've faced the growing families at Kindy - there is always some family with a new addition after the Summer holidays. A Kindy teacher said to me about one of the Kindy kids that she got a new brother or sister over the holidays. I still get a pang in my stomach/a wee jab in the heart when I hear this kind of news. But I feel more accepting lately that that just wasn't God's will for me. I'm on another path which is quite different to that of the average fertile woman. I have been on a very deep emotional and spiritual journey which I believe has made me a better person. The message I'm getting from God is that things can only go up from here.
1 comment:
SIF puts such a big strain on marriage. It did on mine at that time. You're aware of it and doing something about it and that's great.
Hope you like Avatar. I enjoyed it. It took me a few minutes to get used to the 3D, but it was very cool visually.
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