So far, 2010 has felt like the most positive year I've experienced for quite some time. It really does feel like SIF is finally becoming part of my past. I guess I don't feel dragged down by SIF. Life feels like it is about more than SIF and what couldn't be in my life - it's now about what could be.
Last weekend we gave our neighbour our cot for her five month old daughter. That was quite a momenteous occasion and it happened in a very natural way. It wasn't at all planned - our neighbour needed a cot rather urgently as her baby had grown out of her bassinette - and we simply had one in the garage. Also, another set of neighbours passed that cot on to us. So it wasn't like it was something we had brought. Still, my daughter slept in that cot for the first two years of her life and putting it together again brought back a lot of memories of those early days - especially when I was pregnant and decorated the cot with some Peter Rabbit stickers. Of course for a long time I had hoped that one day our second child would have also slept in that cot. If and when we do have a new addition to the family; then I'm sure another cot will come our way when we need it.
Every now and then it seems timely to let go of a bit more of my fertile past- and I have never pushed myself with doing this. I gave away my maternity gear a while back and at the time it was freeing thing to do just like passing on the cot was. Sometimes you have to let go of things - even physical things to the universe before they come back to you. I guess I have loosened my grip on desperately wanting another child. I fought for so long to add to our family that I ran out of fight. Now I am just trusting that another addition may or may not come to us - it is completely in God's hands.
A close friend lost her baby this week which has been just horrific. She was fifteen weeks pregnant. Her baby's heart stopped so she had an induced miscarriage. The loss I experienced was at just six weeks - and that loss will always be with me. But to lose a baby further down the track; that is a loss that would take a long, long time to get over, I am sure.
I have my appointment with the infertility specialist on Friday - the one that hopefully leads me on to the path of seeking closure around my SIF. It feels good and right to be seeking answers at this time. I am very interested to hear what he will have to say - especially after I sent him copies of bloodwork and medical documentation over the last three years.
I'm still seeing my counsellor and sorting out some things post-SIF. It feels as though I am tidying up the loose ends of SIF in a quite a few ways.
We had an infertility support group meeting this week. It was our fourth meeting - excluding an informal catch-up we had at a cafe in January. It was good. There were just three of us but conversation was lively and I felt connected to the women in the room. Starting that group would be the one of the things I am proud of doing during this SIF journey.
We had a visit with a mortgage broker but our house buying plans are up in the air for a little bit as there is a third party involved. In some ways, I've had a bit of a tough week, but not in a SIF kind of a way. It is more to do with work and house plans and some other stuff not going according to plan. It is so nice to not feel dominated by SIF. For so long I felt as though I lived and breathed SIF. There seemed to be no escaping it. It goes to show sometimes we just go through processes in our own time; even if they take months or years. We will always come out on the other side - we just don't get to choose when exactly that will be.
No comments:
Post a Comment