Heart-broken on Valentine's Day

I have been in a SIF slump ever since my appointment with the IF specialist on Friday. My heart is well and truly broken; it feels as though it has been torn into a million pieces. I'm now questioning whether seeking closure was the best thing to do since all it's done is open up my SIF wounds. I feel so sad and devastated. It was one thing I suppose to know it was highly likely I couldn't have any more children because of my biological history; but to be told, from an IF specialist - not a nice experience. Very, very sobering.

I feel quite lost which is quite typical when faced with grief. I still feel raw with emotion but numb at the same time. I feel thankful that tomorrow is Monday and I have a weekly routine to immerse myself in. I have today off my Sunday job - which is good and bad. Good to be at home yet it feels like a waste of a day as I am not in a space to give my family much today. It is very hard to fight the urge to go back to bed and sleep the day away - or to lie in bed reading a book. If I wasn't a mother, I would do that. But I have to keep myself going for the sake of my daughter.

I guess I am just going to have to take this all one day at a time - again. I have had a great year up until this point - I have felt very positive and optimistic. Now I just feel as if the rug has been pulled from beneath me.

My daughter and I went to the grocery store this morning and I saw a MOF (mother of four) I know at the next check-out. She didn't see me and I ignored her. I couldn't face her today. She is the same age as me and her second child is the same age as my daughter - so she has conceived twice in the last five years. So although some of us are affected by a loss in our infertility quite dramatically as we age - others aren't. Physically I look younger than that MOF. I'm not saying that to be a bitch - just telling it like it is. But on the inside she is the younger woman. It's hard to reconcile the fact that I've always looked younger than my age with the fact that my eggs are old.

The IF specialist mentioned my age several times during my appointment on Friday. Sure, I'm old - but I started TTC my second child at 38 which isn't that old. It is hard to not to do the what-ifs. How I wish I'd TTC our second child just a little earlier - and that I went to an IF specialist immediately. I'd lost an ovary afterall. If ever I meet a woman who has lost an ovary I would say go straight to a specialist - just in case time isn't on your side.

I guess God wants me to heal and to feel all this SIF grief one more time before focusing on the next step for us. I thought the house around the corner might be ours but when I drove past before a couple of cars were in the driveway - it's pretty clear that they're sealed the deal with the better offer they got. I know good things are in store for us but I do feel a bit like sour grapes around the house. Surely it is time that something good happened to us - and I thought that particular house was our next good thing.

We're going to look at a couple of other open homes this afternoon. Just trying to keep an open mind about things.

Last night my husband and I had went to Opera in The Park - which was just down the road, in our neighbourhood. We bought hot-dogs and had a beer each. I felt a bit tearful during some of the moving songs. As the fireworks went off on the eve of The Year of The Tiger, I did wonder what the rest of the year has in store for us. Once I've accepted my SIF fate; I'm sure things will look brighter once again.