One door shuts and another one opens

It has been a very busy week tying things up on the house-buying front. But we got there in the end - in two weeks we will be moving into our new home! :)

It is very exciting. It has been exhausting and a bit of a roller-coaster ride but just so, so nice to have a dream come true and to have a new focus in life.

The other day, just an hour or so after signing off our sales and purchase agreement I received a call from the nurse with the blood test results from the infertility specialist I went to see. She said she thought I knew that it was bad news - but that she hated making these calls all the same. My FSH levels were 78 which is the highest they have ever been. Next week I should get some more blood test results back that will reveal where my ovarian reserve is at.

I have a lot of acceptance right now around my SIF. I do feel as though it was a terrible period of time that I went through in life and that now it is in the past. I am so looking forward to moving into a new house - having na ew start with my family of three and leaving the angst and grief of my SIF years behind in this house. I don't want to look back - I only want to go forward.

I have been thinking a bit about adoption and do feel ready to start the process again. But we still might wait til June - give ourselves three months to settle into our new home before going there again. My daughter starts school in three weeks so there are some big changes going on. I am not sure how things will work out financially adopting a child given we will be taking on a mortgage soon. I may not have the luxury of being a full-time at-home Mum the second time round and will explore child-care options just to see what is around.

My daughter was talking about "when the baby arrives" the other day. So I said she might get a brother or a sister one day. Normally I wouldn't encourage these kinds of chats but I thought why not talk about it, since she's asked and so I asked her if she'd like a brother or a sister and she said both!

Now that I know for sure that I really am infertile, I feel okay sharing that with people if it comes up. I feel in a good space with it all and in a healthy place to pursue adoption. I guess it is a blessing that with my dwindling periods and lack of ovulation that I don't get a chance to do the could I be...? thing with my monthly cycle - because I don't have a monthly cycle! Somehow finding out I am completely powerless over my infertility has given me more power.

I feel as though this is the beginning of a very positive chapter for us all family-wise. My three and a half years of SIF has caused my husband and I to feel very stuck in life. It was as though we couldn't move anywhere, no matter how much we wanted to be somewhere else. It goes to show God really does have the plan and the time-table as a good friend of mine often says. I feel as though I have come a long, long way in my SIF journey in the last three and a half years. I spent a good two years of that time struggling with depression and mood swings. The grief I felt was so very, very deep and all I could do was hang in there, hoping brighter days were ahead.

I just could never imagine coming out on the other side of it all - but now I'm here! It feels amazing, it feels like I deserve it and it gives me hope. Hope that things do work out in the end - perhaps not always exactly in the way we wanted it to - but happy endings can happen all the same. But this isn't quite my ending people! - this is Part Two in my SIF journey. Part One was living and facing my SIF - but I am through that bit! And Part Three will be when our family is complete - be it with another child or as we are today. After all I've been through of late I trust that should it be God's will that we don't adopt; then I will be okay.