A new start

What an interesting week the last week has been. This time a week ago I had my appointment with the infertility specialist - the "closure" appointment. It was what I wanted and didn't want to hear all at the same time On one hand hearing my reality from an IF specialist was necessary for me to move on; and on the other hand it brought me to my knees for a few days as I processed the immense grief that came with the news.

Then Monday night we had a call from the owner from the house we are interested in asking if we'd like to negotiate our original offer - we did - we agreed on a price and we have been full swing into house-buying proceedings all week. Our loan has been approved, the builder gave us a thumbs up for the house - we are just waiting for the sales and purchase agreement to be signed by the other party and for the valuation to take place on Monday.

It seems the house is pretty much ours! But we will know for sure hopefully mid next week.

This house couldn't have come along at a better time. Three and a half years of SIF had caused us to feel as if we were operating in a rut that we just couldn't get out of. Yet somehow having that IF specialist appointment helped me make peace with my SIF and that combined with a house on the horizon has really enabled me to shift my focus to something else.

It has been very good for my husband and I to have a shared goal again. A big goal, a big dream - and especially one that looks like it has come true! :) We had many highs and lows over the last week and have shared them together. It truly feels like a new start for us on so many levels.

I had my last counselling appointment this week - I only had three all up this time round. But they were quite timely as I sat on the edge of SIF wondering where I was going next and examined my life and what it all meant. I feel like I have come round full circle. It has been a loooooong time coming but I do feel confident enough to say at this point that I am over SIF. I mean over SIF in a it doesn't consume me kind of a way. In a - there is life afterall - post-SIF kind of a way. In a there are other dreams that I have kind of a way. Sure, I lost one dream. A very, very big dream that destroyed me in mind, body and soul for quite some time. But I'm okay now. I survived. Not only that; I think I will be happy again.

My husband said the other night that we could start up our adoption plans again. I said to him let's wait til June as planned. That gives us about three months to settle into our new home before we start looking into the adoption side of things again. I feel pretty hopeful about adoption - as though we are preparing our new nest with a house with three bedrooms in it. For now the third room will be a spare room/office. But one day - perhaps another little person will be in there.

Although I have had my biological clock ticking for so long, I do feel as though it might be slowing down. I do think there will come a point for me where it will feel too late to add to our family. So if a baby doesn't come to us over the next two years or so; I think I will be okay with that. In two years our daughter will be seven years old and I think we would have pretty much established ourselves as a family of three by then.

This SIF experience over the last three and a half years has taught me so much. I have learnt what it feels like to be completely powerless over something in the long-term - no matter what I did, there was no way I could control my infertility. And I tried many things over the last few years to feel as if I could control my SIF. I feel a new acceptance emerging that is allowing me to embrace my infertile-self. I'm imperfect. But I'm still me. I lost a big part of myself for a while there - but I don't feel so broken now. I had to go to some really dark places to rediscover myself.

I guess the world makes sense again. We went to a family picnic at the local model trains for our daughter's Kindy tonight. There were families of all sorts of sizes. There were lots of siblings and for the first time in a long time; I didn't feel like the odd Mum out.