2010 is the year in which I will no longer be beaten down by SIF!! After three years of immense grief, endless pity-parties and unbearable longing for another biological child; I have had enough!
Sure, the SIF feelings will come up, but they will no longer dictate who I am and how I operate in the world. I can feel the changes already. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?
I feel an inner-strength emerging that is causing me to look deep within, to reassess, to take the bull by the horns as such and to strive for the very best in my life. I deserve it. It is almost indescribable this transformation that is taking place. It's a feeling that I can face anything life throws at me post-SIF - life no longer has to be perfect - because it isn't perfect. Somehow accepting the imperfections in my life - and myself (as an infertile woman) - is giving me the freedom and courage to live the life I really want to. From the outside things may look exactly the same for now, but over time some changes may or may not occur externally.
I am really looking forward to starting my counselling sessions on Tuesday. I am ready to explore some difficult subject matters that have been boiling beneath the surface. Some change does need to happen in some areas in my life and I am ready to confront that and to make the changes, whatever the outcome.
I have this deep, reassurring inner-calm that tells me I will be okay - whatever life brings from here on in. I suppose that is the up-side of having lived through - and survived (!) a huge disappointment in life. I am learning that life goes on, we all go through trials and tribulations at some point and best of all - the hard times do shape our lives and can even lead to better things - if we are open enough to be receptive to the change on offer.
So watch this space. I'm not going to make any resolutions for 2010 as I know I will live this year in a much bolder, stronger and wiser fashion than I have for the last three. All I want to do is put SIF behind me while continuing to encourage and support women going through SIF via this blog, Dailystrength, the IF support group I started and eventually - the book about SIF that I want to write.
In the midst of SIF I was afraid to dream again as I thought I only had one dream - to have two biological children. But by letting go of that dream; new dreams are emerging - and they are different dreams to what I've perhaps held on to for so long. I lived with the blinkers on for several years as I stubbornly refused to let go of my Will - to have another biological child. I feel at much more peace that SIF was simply God's Will for me. Accepting and feeling this is giving me the freedom to finally move on and embrace some new things in my life. Spiritually I feel renewed. Emotionally I feel secure. Psychologically I feel in-balance again.
1 comment:
I was recently thinking about what I have learned after SIF too. I've learned patience like I've never known before. I've also learned not to judge others' choices, particularly on medical decisions they make for themselves. I now know that there may be a slew of unseen reasons why a person decides what s/he does, so I shouldn't judge until I've at least walked a mile in their shoes. Also I've learned to appreciate what I have today and make the most of each moment. I don't want to miss the blessings I've been given. Thanks again for your thoughts!
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