I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to 2009. It has been a hard year - a year of swallowing the somewhat bitter pill that conception was very, very unlikely for me ever again.
My SIF journey started at the end of 2006. 2007 and 2008 were two complete years of devoting a lot of time and energy into SIF. There were blood tests and procedures as well as an operation. Although these were difficult years; I still held on to a small seed of hope that despite the evidence; perhaps my infertility wasn't as bad as it appeared to be.
In 2009 I've had to face the truth - that I am infertile. This year has been about sitting with what is - and attempting to let go of what isn't. I started 2009 on antidepressants. I was on them for six months all up during what can only be described as my darkest times of SIF. The devastation I went through when it became obvious (even without full medical evidence) that I could no longer conceive was the hardest thing I've been through in my life.
This year my husband and I attended the information meeting and education programme for adoption here in New Zealand. Although things were flowing pretty well adoption-wise; we made the decision to put our adoption plans on hold for around six months for various reasons. (We're resuming the process June 2010). In 2009 I started up an infertility support group for women here in Nelson. I wanted my years of SIF to account for something and figured by starting a group; women struggling with IF would benefit from exchanges with others in the same boat while hopefully feeling a little less lonely.
2010 will be the first year, after three years of SIF, that I will no longer be actively hoping for a small miracle - to fall pregnant. I hope and pray it will be the year that I will be released from the morbid grip of SIF. I feel it will be the year in which I will finally be able to face SIF with some perspective. I am already starting to see and feel how SIF has been an era in my life (albeit a tulmultuous one) - and one day it won't hold as much meaning as it does today. As a woman, I believe I will be affected for years to come. I have yet to work out how to reconcile a major loss of my womanhood that has polluted my sexuality, self-esteem, self-worth and connectedness with other women - particularly fertile ones - out there. I am grieving the woman I was - the fertile one - while trying to figure out who I have become.
As I try so hard to close the door on SIF; I am only too aware of how damaged some of my relationships around me have become because of my own personal tragedy. Until I embrace this dilemma that touched my life so very, very deeply - I believe many of these relationships will remain fractured. For so long I was looking for words of comfort from those close to me. But I now think and know that the understanding I sought was impossible from the uninitiated. It is truly only those who have been touched by SIF that get it. I am so grateful to have a blog to vent in - that has been going for over two years now plus Dailystrength - the place I go to to connect with other women with SIF. Where I would be without D/S or my blog - I don't know. I also joined RESOLVE this year but don't check in much. But it is still nice to know I have another online support group if I need it.
I hope in 2010 I will not feel so bitter and resentful towards The Fertiles out there. It is not their fault that they can reproduce and I cannot. I believe 2010 will be the year in which I'll gain some insight as to why the last three years of angst occurred. There is some huge emotional and spiritual growth going on for me right now as I allow the God of my understanding to reveal what was beneath SIF for me. It was much more than wanting another biological child. My complete despair at being rendered infertile has uprooted several "core issues" from my past. Once these have been addressed; I believe I will truly move forward again.
I'd like to say that 2010 comes with the promise of an adopted child for us. But I'm not sure it will. I have some big life decisions to make that could jeopadise adoption for us. For now I am just putting one foot in front of the other, and going where God seems to want me to go. I am on a very different path to the Mums out there that were lucky enough to conceive a second time round (or more). I know if another child had come - particularly easily - then I would not have had the opportunity to experience the immense personal spiritual and emotional growth that is going on right now for me. There is no going back - I understand at a very deep level that this is the path I am meant to be on.
I want to be free of SIF. And to be free I have to accept some of the ugly parts of myself that have been uprooted because of SIF. I will do this through counselling, the twelve steps and through the continued guidance of my Higher Power. Thank-you to those who read this. Your support - even if silent - means a lot to me. I hope 2010 brings many insights and miracles into your own lives.
1 comment:
I hope 2010 is good to you. Keep working on healing yourself and what you are doing starting a group in your area is very important in helping heal others. I think that's why I'm so open about my 10 years of working on infertility issues. I feel like too many people are so quiet about problems with IF that it makes people who are struggling feel alone.
Post a Comment