Time to think

I've been on holiday over the past week so have been unwinding, relaxing and enjoying having some time and space to reflect about things. We're just at home so it has been quite nice just doing as we please and not having to rush off to work, Kindy or any of my daughter's activities. I even managed to sneak in a nap yesterday afternoon while my daughter watched a bit of TV with my husband.

I am moving further into acceptance that SIF was just something I went through/have been through in life. I think with my friend passing a couple of weeks ago from cancer at the age of 42; my perspective around SIF has shifted a bit once again. Every now and then a shift happens which somehow allows some more peace into my being. What I'm getting at is it's God's Will; my SIF. Just like it was God's Will that my friend had cancer. At a very deep level there are countless shifts going on for me spiritually, emotionally and psychologically. SIF has caused me to grow in so many ways. It has been a wake-up call from the God of my understanding in ways in which I am still figuring out.

I am truly looking forward to closing the door on SIF for once and for all. I have been praying that 2010 will be the year that SIF starts to fade into the background.

I stayed up and watched an english movie last night called Catwalk Dogs. It interested me as it was about a couple who had experienced a couple of miscarriages and this affected their partnership. The movie touched on the difference between how men and women deal with miscarriages/infertility. The film was a comedy/drama so was a lighter take on the male-female dynamic around IF; but the message was there around how devastating miscarriage/IF is for a woman and how it is hard for men to "get that."

My favourite New Zealand soap Shortland Street, which is on a break for the Summer, has a married couple on it who have separated because they cannot have kids. The wife has it in her head that because IF is her problem; it's best she let's go of her husband so he can go and have kids with someone else. The plot is a little ridiculous but at least by having the IF issue within a popular prime time NZ programme; the public might start to get an insight into how big an issue IF is for couples.

Personally I do feel part of having SIF is about educating others about it. I think couples do need to be supported during IF and SIF as unfortunately there are periods of time in which couples are emotionally distanced from one another. If more people knew and understood IF/SIF - then perhaps the couples that go through it could be given the support they need - separately and together.

SIF is known as the "lonely infertility" because couples are perceived to be okay because they have one child. But couples going through SIF are under enormous pressure and emotional strain to keep everything going because they do have a child to raise while going through SIF. It messes with your head - or at least it has messed with mine - trying to keep things as "normal" as possible for my daughter while fighting my demons.

I put my plans to write my SIF book on hold as I got too busy with my two jobs these last few months but it will be written! I do believe one of the reasons I got hand-picked by God to experience SIF was so I could be a support for others. I do not mean that in a vain way. I'm just being real about the kind of person I am - I don't have an issue with emotional openness and believe in sharing my experience, strength and hope with those who could benefit from hearing it.

We had a lovely Christmas day spent with friends, neighbours and my husband's brother. It was nice to have our neighbours three month old at our place decked out in her first Christmas outfit. Last night my husband and I looked after the her while our neighbours went out briefly. I always enjoy looking after her and it is hard to not imagine "what if" around an adopted child when looking after a baby. My daughter is absolutely besotted with this baby and because I couldn't get her to leave the other day because we were at the neighbours; we ended up taking the baby for a walk. It fulfulls my MOT-needs every time having another tot under my wing.

My daughter has been talking about sisters quite a lot and even declared one of her new toys for Christmas was her "sister." I know she feels lonely sometimes being an only child. School holidays are often tricky times - especially the current one we are on - Summer school holidays here in New Zealand right now (that are 5 - 6 weeks long) as a lot of families are either away or doing their own thing.

I think 2010 is going to be an interesting year for us. We finally have some financial manageability after an economically-challenged year. Change is in the wings. In the meantime I am just making the most of the r and r that is on offer right now. It has been an emotionally draining year so it I'm enjoying reading books, watching movies and having some early nights these holidays.