I finished up at my week-day job for the year yesterday - I have three weeks off (out of the five weeks that make up the Kindy school holidays). I am looking forward to being a full-time at-home Mum again. It has been a challenging eight weeks since I started my new job - balancing motherhood and work. My daughter has been greatly affected with me being out of the house more - I've worked a few nights on top of my mornings and this has upset her. With her ASD; routine and predictability are paramount for her mental-health/stability. It has been very hard watching her struggle with high anxiety levels as she's adjusted to this new job of mine.
I have questioned whether it's been worth it all over the last week in particular. My daughter's constipation increased, she wasn't eating much and she was in tears a few times when I picked her up from Kindy, telling me she was worried I wasn't turning up. She has said she wants me home and to not go to work.
The reason I took this job on was to improve our financial situation - and slowly and surely - we are seeing an improvement. But I also took this job on as a means to an end - that being adoption. By getting the job, we can in the near future apply for a home loan which will hopefully lead to a house which will improve our chances of being picked by a birth family.
Yet this focus - the adoption one - is affecting our family - we have all been stretched to the limit these last couple of months. If adoption hadn't been an option; I wonder if I would be working right now. I may have held off until my daughter was settled into school next year.
After all my daughter has been through - whether it be on an unconscious level or not - I feel bad (once again) that my need to have another child added to our family impacts on her life. It can't have been easy living with a Mum on antidepressants for six months, enduring countless blood tests and missing out on some of my time and energy because of my SIF grief. I have never wanted to send out the message to my daughter that one isn't enough - that she isn't enough - but I how can I not be sending out that message since I've spent over three years of my life pining for another child?
I feel close to the God of my understanding and do believe that everything is happening as it is meant to. My daughter is talking about sisters a lot - in play and conversation. But she hasn't yet asked the sibling question that I know many of us SI's dread. She even said last night we should get a sister for our cat since he is all alone! I know this came from watching a friend getting a bird mate for their current bird. But still.
Earlier this week I found out a friend of mine died from cancer at the age of 42. We'd lost touch but she was someone who made an impact in my life. I felt quite sad about it for a few days - particularly because she didn't get to do a lot of the stuff that is the "norm" in life - such as having kids. Her death has made me feel more grateful for what I do have on another level.
I have arranged to talk on the phone with a friend who is newly pregnant this Sunday. It upset me when she said in an email that she didn't feel being pregnant was a gift (as she feeling so sick). I know where she was coming from but I just don't need to hear that kind of thing. I did email a little back about the difficulty of the infertile woman-pregnant woman dynamic but there was no comment. I am amazied how every time someone seemingly ignores my attempts to reach out within SIF- and they are never easy attempts! - how triggered I feel when I get no response, misunderstood or judged. Anyway, I am hoping to have an honest discussion with this friend. I just cannot deal with hearing about pregnancy symptoms and how awful they are - not when I would (almost!) kill to be in a pregnant woman's shoes. I'm addressing this as I don't want this friendship to be affected by my SIF as some of my other friendships with Fertiles have been in the past.
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