Jaded

With the end of the (school) term approaching next week life has been crazy-busy. I feel like in some ways I am just holding on by the skin of my teeth. My new job is full-on and I have been putting in extra hours - some nights and I will be going in this weekend to catch-up on the paper-trail back-log I have. Phew!

A week ago a close friend gave birth to her first child - a boy. It was a horrific experience for her as she had complications with her placenta which was surgically removed resulting in her being in intensive care for three days, separated from her baby. I was quite emotional during this time as we live in different countries - me in New Zealand and she in Australia. I was worried about her of course. And I also experienced lots of guilt around all the jealous feelings I've had around her being pregnant/conceiving at the age of 42 when I was unofficially deemed infertile in my late thirties.

I guess it was a bit of a wake-up call and put things in perspective. I am so relieved my friend is on the mend now. Her experience also brought back my own daughter's delivery which was via an emergency c-section under a general - and then I "came to" to find out I'd lost an ovary.

I've made an appointment to see a counsellor in the New Year. This is someone I know through some community connections and I am trusting God that she is the right person to talk to about some lingering intimacy issues marriage-wise post-SIF. This will be the fourth time I would have sought counselling while being on this crazy SIF journey! But each patch of counselling has been for different reasons/different phases of SIF: the first sessions were around SIF itself - sorting out where I was within it, the second sessions were recommended because I was on anti-depressants and were about monitoring my mood/emotional management during SIF, the third sessions were marriage counselling sessions to help my husband and I to build some bridges during SIF and this time round is about me facing who I am post-SIF - how I have changed, how this has affected me in my marriage and what I want in a partnership.

So next year feels like it will be a year of sorting myself out once and for all around SIF. I have the counselling appointment in January and then the infertility appointment in February which should help me gain some closure around SIF.

I have been feeling quite stretched these last few weeks working during the week and doing the Mum thing. I am going through the ORRS funding process at the moment which is basically about seeking funding from the government so my daughter can have a teacher's aide for school, to assist her with her ASD, when she starts in three months. It is an exhausting process and has me feeling very overloaded while juggling a very demanding job.

But in a week's time my weekday job, Kindy and all my daughter's activities will be finished for the year. I am looking forward to a much quieter pace of life for the next few weeks after that!

I had a little cry on the way back from work yesterday as I missed my daughter's Kindy Christmas party because I was working. Up until yesterday have been to everything, all her events - being very involved all the way through. So it felt quite wrong to not be there. My husband managed to make it there for a bit which was good. People of course didn't understand why exactly I felt so torn between my daughter and work - but it was for the usual SIF reasons: I only have one child who is growing up way too fast - I don't want to miss out on her milestones!!

The lifestyle I am living right now is way too busy for my liking so I will make some adjustments for next year. I am too tired and irritable within family life because I feel so stressed and stretched in too many different directions. AF only came for a day recently and has been threatening to come again - I just don't know what my body is doing. I am looking forward to getting some answers to my hormonal imbalances next year as because I don't know what is going on exactly; I haven't known how to treat myself.