Tuesday morning I had an appointment with my Dr. The whole point of the appointment was to start the process in gaining some closure around my SIF. When I made the appointment it stirred up some deep SIF feelings and I was going to write a letter to my Dr and some of the other of the health professionals I've dealt with along the way to explain just how badly I thought I had been treated along the way.
But I went to the Dr's appointment without a letter and ended up just explaining where I was at - that it had been three years of SIF for me and I was ready to close the door on it all - I just wanted some answers. My Dr was great and understood where I was coming from. She said she'd had female patients in their sixties and seventies who were still questioning their infertility (as it was never explained). That is how I thought it might be for me if I didn't find out why this is all happened. So my Dr got some paperwork together for me and I will put that plus all the other files I have together to forward to the infertility specialist I am seeing in February.
Surprisingly, I felt at peace after the appointment with my Dr. I guess it just felt like something I really needed to do for me and I feel good and strong about that decision. I have been working the 12 steps around SIF since the start of the year and am at step eight and nine which is about making amends to those I have harmed. It certainly does feel like a time of starting to heal some of the relationship ruptures that have occured because of SIF. But before I can have the conversations with the people I want and need to; I have to make amends to myself and my amends are about getting some answers around my SIF. I deserve some answers. Even if I cannot get a full explanation; it will help to get a little more insight into what has happened. Surely some kind of conclusion can be drawn from one ovary, high FSH levels and diminishing periods - you'd think so, wouldn't you.
Ironically AF started knocking at my door yesterday shortly after my Dr's appointment so I will be able to do another day three FSH test to add to my file. My latest FSH result from about three months ago is 20. I've yet to look at all my FSH results over the last three years but the highest it ever has been is 86 and the lowest 18. So my ovarian reverse is pretty poor.
Last night I hosted the third infertility support group for Nelson. There were just four of us this time but it went really well. There was one new woman which was great. Our topic was "Managing relationships" which was great. We have the meeting room we have been using booked out for 2010 so it's nice to know that that is all in place. Now it's just a matter of getting the word out there a bit more - that there is an infertility group in this town. That's something I will do more of next year.
I congratulated a Dad I know on becoming a father for the second time today. It was a big deal for me. I'm afraid it doesn't come naturally to me acknowledging additions to other people's families and I often don't say anything - it's like I am emotionally frozen and a simple congratulations is just too hard to manage! But I have to remember it's not The Fertiles fault that I cannot conceive - that they got what they hoped for and I didn't. It is just not so easy to put my SIF feelings to one side when presented with baby news though - no matter how far along I am in my SIF journey, it would seem.
By reopening my file with my Dr on Tuesday I realised that everything that has happened on my SIF journey has happened in God's time. I guess although I feel there was some mismanagement around my SIF; at the end of the day, things probably couldn't have moved any faster than they did. The only thing I could have done differently is gone straight to an infertility specialist instead of going via a gyno and losing lots of time. But I was naive amongst it all and did hand my power over to the medical world for quite a number of months. I cannot change what I didn't do. I like to think we end up where we are meant to sometimes - whatever route we take. Pretty much as soon as we started to TTC our second child, there were obvious problems with my cycle. Perhaps I have been infertile since my daughter was born - when my ovary was removed. It is possible.
So on the SIF front I'm kinda okay. Okay but applying some self-preservation right now as I've heard others describe it when some space is put between you and The Fertiles out there. I want to phone my close friend who is newly pregnant but am not yet ready yet. I will get there. I'm excited for my other close friend who is due to have her first child any day now but when I got her text last night telling me she was likely to be induced just as I was heading off to my IF support group, it was still a bit of a punch in the guts.
After my IF support group meeting I popped in on a dessert and coffee evening I was invited to. I blurted out where I had been - as I had been asked. Interesting comments followed. One woman reckoned she knew "lots" of women with SIF. Really? Where are they? I haven't met them!! One also mentioned how after her second child her Dr indicated she could have been infertile but since she didn't want any other children she doesn't know for sure. Hmmm, I dunno. You really can't bring SIF up in casual conversation if you are feeling even mildly vulnerable around it all. There was a couple there that have four children and they got to share about four remarkable quick births. Hmmm, again! I just don't want or need to hear those details. I guess I get worried that when I show an interest in others people's birthing experiences or new additions they will tell me much more than I wanted to know - one reason why I haven't initated an exchange with many a Fertile for the last three years.
I've looked after the neighbour's baby a few times now. Last week I offered to do some babysitting so the parents (a young couple) could go on a gym date. I was feeling quite raw within SIF last week after a series of birth and pregnancy news but I really enjoyed caring for a three month old. In fact, the three of us enjoyed playing a family of four for an hour and a half. It is healing for me somehow at this point to hold a baby. There was a time when that would have hurt too much. We are all getting to know our neighbour's baby in our family and it only reassures us that loving an adopted child would come naturally for us - that part of the adoption equation is not something we need to worry about.
Emotionally I feel as though I am sorting myself out a bit more around SIF. I have lots going on in my life outside of SIF - mainly I am insanely busy. But emotionally it is a bit like facing the calm after the storm that was SIF. The thing is even when I start to move on from SIF my perspective never changes in that it was the most devastating experience I've ever been through. I feel changed and affected in more ways than I will probably ever know.
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