Hmmm. I think I am in SIF overwhelm. It's not as bad as it has been in the past - but bad enough for me to want to run and hide somewhere. I am really, really sick of how SIF affects my relationships with others, in particular. It just feels as though many of my relationships have been tainted by SIF and things aren't going to be fixed overnight.
I admit that right now I am seeing the world in a skewed kind of a way - my perspective is well and truly through the black-coloured glasses of SIF - or should I say green-coloured glasses - green for envy! So, I am in not a good place to be in touch with the pregnant women around me - I need to get myself back in balance before dealing with them. I will create some space for a bit.
One close friend is due this Saturday and the closer she gets to her due date, the harder I am finding it to hear from her. Another close friend is only a few weeks pregnant - so at the other end of her pregnancy - yet I am equally jealous of her as she is in the "over-the-moon" stage of experiencing her first pregnancy.
I feel so sour. So bitter and twisted - and I don't like it. I cannot believe two of my close friends are pregnant right now and another close friend has two children. My envy is about not being able to conceive myself but also about feeling so old, useless and not like a woman because my body cannot reproduce. Sigh. I am jealous of my friends fertile bodies - the fact they work like they should - and mine doesn't.
I went for a twenty minute walk by a river today. I shed a few tears on the way into town about all this and figured I needed some space for me and my fraught emotions before catching up with the autism support group I go to.
It was good to have some quiet time with God. I just recited The Serenity Prayer over and over. I used to go on the same walk when I walked in town on my lunch-breaks - firstly when I was TTC then when I was pregnant with my daughter. I have been praying for God's guidance as I am feeling lost within my SIF pain right now or at least have gone off the rails these last couple of days.
SIF has impacted my life so greatly and I am still frustrated that those that supposedly love me cannot see this. It is very hard on a marriage - grieving another child for so long - and frequently alone. I have so many martial issues right now that are partly skewed by SIF. I just feel if I cannot be supported emotionally through one of the most devastating things in my life then what kind of a connection do I have with my spouse? In the past when I've experienced some life-changing things I have been single - or ended up single as a consequence of a break-up that became life-changing! With SIF I have periods of time where I just want to go off and be alone - I want to go and lick my wounds and recover without the strain of trying to keep a marriage running. I guess I feel like I have so much on my plate right now managing a marriage is just about breaking me. I feel as though I am the one - as many women are - who carries us as a couple and when I crumble, we crumble. The weekly dates are good - at least we get out of the house as a couple. But emotionally I feel so very disconnected from my husband. We've done the marriage counselling thing. Reminding my husband of my emotional needs is exhausting.
I also feel disconnected from my "close" friends. I have partly caused this - and the dynamics of IF haven't helped. But it upsets me that none of my close friends pre-empt my feelings around SIF/adoption. How can they not know that this period of my life is still incredibly painful? Sure, I am out of the dark times - but the down times still happen on occasion. Why can't they check on me from time to time? Perhaps I have pushed them away at times - but if they understood SIF they would forgive some of my behaviour, wouldn't they? I am emotionally distanced from my close friends - friends I would normally talk to about my marriage stuff - as a result I feel so, so alone in all this. (once again).
I am juggling too many things right now and this on top of my SIF overwhelm has made for one unhappy camper. I am going to make an effort to get some more "me time" next week and will drop a couple of commitments. I need some time to just be - some time to make sense of all this SIF crap that has resurfaced.
Next Wednesday will be our third Nelson Infertility support group. The topic is "Managing Relationships "which is very apt for me! There might be three new women coming along which will be good. The wheels have come off this week for me but I do think it's a normal reaction for where I'm at in my SIF journey - seeking closure with close friends pregnant! Just when I think I am out of the woods (emotionally) - along comes another huge emotional reaction!
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