Processing a lot

I think it was a good decision for us delaying our adoption plans. To be honest, I don't think I was quite ready to partake in an open adoption. Even though we may not have been chosen immediately; once we were in the prospective adoptive parents pool and therefore may have had some more time to process things, I would have possibly have not been quite ready to add to our family via adoption had things kept rolling the way they were. I think it is important that we are clear and sure that this (adoption) is what we really want to do.

Many claim that adopting a child is - in the end - no different to having a biological child - that in the end - family is family. I believe and get that to a certain extent. But open adoption means how the child came to enter your family is if not a constant, a regular reminder. I'm sure, as I've heard, open adoption works well in many situations. But I am beginning to understand why one adoptive Mum shared on one of the courses we went on that it took two years to get her profile together! It does take some time to let go of one dream - to have another biological child while embracing a new dream - adding to a family via another means.

Taking this break from the adoption process is allowing me a chance to be really honest with myself around how I feel about open adoption. It really isn't as simple as replacing the biological child we couldn't have . The loss needs to be acknowledged and grieved before seriously contemplating offering a home to a child that isn't biologically ours.

I feel like there are still some SIF wounds to heal. I'm through the dark times of SIF (thank goodness!) and have acceptance around SIF. But I don't have the understanding - the answers as to why I've been through SIF. Even though I haven't ovulated or had regular periods for a good couple of years, I still don't know why. And I do want to know. So I am slowly building up the courage to do what I need to do - see my Dr, write to the gyno that delivered my daughter and possibly make an appointment with an infertility specialist. It is becoming more obvious as time goes that I need (if possible) to put the final pieces of my SIF puzzle in place.

After the latest infertility meeting, it dawned on me just how much I have held back/not pushed - even lived in some denial around my SIF. I could probably have gotten clear answers years ago but just let things float out there for fear of finding out the truth. Perhaps I needed to prepare myself emotionally and psychologically before hearing the confirmation from a professional.

It has been niggling at me too as to whether or not we really did reach the end of the road with TTC. Was there anything else we could have done? I didn't realise IUI's were so "cheap" (when compared to IVF, for instance) or at least never thought about going there as a possibility until recently. Also after getting in the mindset of adopting another child - now donor eggs also seem like a reasonable option. Although another "parent" would be in our lives to some extent with ED; it wouldn't be like open adoption where the connection is like taking on another family (depending on the arrangement, of course). Perhaps I need an appointment with an infertility specialist just to see what my options really are - even if we don't explore any of the options.

The other day our little family was in the mall and an acquaintenance of my husband's asked us when we were having another one - when my husband said we couldn't have anymore adoption was suggested. It is so natural and normal to assume another child will follow - and still awkward to tell people we can't have another child. I do feel some shame that we have to consider other methods to add to our family and I know people mean well, but it can irk me at times when adoption is suggested as the obvious alternative. Wouldn't it be nice if people acknowledged the loss and suggested we take our time to grieve before considering our next option? I guess that is asking for some kind of understanding and insight that The Fertiles don't seem to have.

I know I am exactly where I am meant to be in my life as I do think God speaks to me/us through coincidences. A woman who phoned up about the IF support group happens to work at the same college (high-school) I work at (she hasn't been able to make a meeting yet). I met her for the first time last week. I met another member of staff last week who said she heard I wore another hat (through the woman that phoned up) - that I run an IF support group and gave me her number as she completed her family via SD (sperm donor). It was certainly a first having someone I'd just met openly talking about infertility. But it was nice to have a candid conversation about how socially awkward infertility is - how no-one really talks about it. She gave me her phone number to pass on to the group which was nice, I thought.

I'm not sure where exactly I'm at in my praying for another shot at motherhood journey. In reflection, reassessing mode, I suppose. I'd rather get myself a bit more sorted out in my head now than later down the track when some post-adoption stuff could flare up. Of course even after adopting - if that is the route we continue to go down - SIF will no doubt rare it's ugly head from time to time. I know that will happen. Yet I want my dreams of having two biological children to be as resolved as possible before signing up for something that could be partly a band-aid reaction to our loss. I want to be the best parents possible for another child - in mind, body and soul. I'm just not quite there yet.