Seeking closure

I have booked a couple of appointments this week in the hope of resolving my SIF mystery. I am ready to face the music as such - to hear the truth about my fluctuating high FSH levels, diminishing periods and lack of ovulation. I feel this part of my life has been going on for long enough and I am ready to close the door on it.

I have an appointment with my Dr Tuesday December 1st. I want to tell her where I'm at with my SIF journey (seeking closure), find out my lattest FSH test results (the last test was about two months ago and I don't know the results yet), and fish out the letter from the gyno #1 that delivered my daughter that clearly states I should have been referred back to her if I had trouble conceiving - and I never was. I am sitting on the fence as to whether I want to write a letter to gyno #1 directly or whether I want to send one to both my Dr and gyno # 1 talking about my journey and how I feel as though I was mismanaged within it. In fact, what I really ought to do (thinking aloud here!) is write a letter to my Dr, gyno # 1 (who delivered my daughter) and gyno #2 (who performed what turned out to be unnecessary surgery). I plan to write a letter in a direct but diplomatic fashion. I guess once I start writing the letter I'll work out what exactly I need to write.

I also have an appointment February 12th with the infertility specialist I originally had an appointment with in March. I cancelled the appointment back then as we were going through some financial strain as a family and I also was at a point in my SIF journey where I'd had enough of the medical world around SIF. Although I hadn't gone down the medical route for long; I felt the gyno who treated me within SIF botched things up a bit in the way he approached my case and it left a a very bad taste in my mouth.

Now I'm ready to hear the perspective the medical world offers me - especially now I'm out of the dark times of SIF, and have acceptance around not been able to conceive again - all I need is closure.

I've had a few fears/concerns around adding to our family of late. My husband and I seem to be working a lot between us and this is causing some disharmony in our household and I don't like it. But if we ever want to own our own home; it is what we need to do. Our daughter is unsettled with the two of us being out of the home more and that both upsets and worries me. All kids need routine and stability - but especially kids on the autism spectrum.

I've had to alter my daughter's weekly schedule this week as things were getting a bit too busy. She was able to express to me that she has been missing me and feeling lonely at Kindy (talk about tugging at the heart-strings!). I feel guilty that she's having to deal with a busy home life all because of what feels like my selfish quest - to add (hopefully) another child to our family. If I had let go of having another child then I possibly wouldn't be working two jobs right now. (to get us into our own home which might ultimately lead to another child).

My daughter had an almightly meltdown this afternoon out in public which resulted in me yelling at her as she was hitting me, pulling my hair and refusing to get into the car. I got some looks - in the shop we were in, and in the street. And I did feel like the worst mother in the world as normally I am not a yeller. I hate yelling but sometimes I have to to get my daughter to snap out of it. I am feeling the stress of juggling so much right now - my fuse is short and had I not being in this space, I might have dealt with today's meltdown differently. I do wonder having a daughter with ASD how we would go with another child. It has been commented by a few :"Just as well you just have the one!" when I talk about my daughter and the difficulties of raising a child with autism. I almost couldn't lift her into the car today when she was kicking and screaming as she must be about 23kg and I'm 60kgish with a bad back! How would I handle a child in meltdown mode and a baby?!

I just hope we are doing the right thing right now - working hard to get us into the housing market next year basically. For so long I was okay with renting as I knew if I worked beyond more than a few hours a week; we would feel it. And that is what is happening right now.

Today after I dropped off my daughter at Kindy once again there was a convey of Mums walking up the street with their toddlers in buggies after dropping off their preschoolers. I feel like an outsider at Kindy - for a couple of reasons - I am the Mum of a child with autism - and a Mum of one. I bet many think I only have one child because she's autistic but that is of course not the reason.

Luckily I have a physio appointment at the gym tonight - it will get me out of the house and I'll squeeze in a work-out beforehand! I'm just feeling a bit overloaded and frazzled right now.