Another backlash

I'm a bit wobbly at the moment. I am having an emotional backlash I think around delaying our adoption plans.

I chaired the second infertility support group meeting last night - the topic was managing stress. It was good although there were just four of us this time. I shared about delaying our adoption plans and how I thought there was some grief around that. Sure enough, I've been feeling quite vulnerable around the whole SIF/adoption deal today. I've had a cry.

It's come to light that I also need some space from the adoption plans to grieve the end of my reproductive years. It was easy to get caught up in the adoption plans and to act as if I was over losing a big aspect of my feminity - the truth is, I am still grieving. Also, although the infertility support group is great, I am feeling like an outsider (like I thought I might) as the only one with SIF. It is also hard hearing about others also who are TTC while the door is closed for me. It's good to have a support group; but for me my SIF seems even more lonely as I cannot go there (out of respect for the others) around the dynamics of having a biological child and not being able to conceive again.

Although I do trust in the God of my understanding and His plans for us - I am feeling some anger around the fact that if it works out - if we get picked as an adoptive family - that it would have taken so bloody long to get there! I am still jealous of people who's lives pan out the "normal" way - get married, buy a house, have two kids...

If I had been able to conceive, then we would have just gotten pregnant and carried on with life as it stands today. We would have worked out how we'd achieve house ownership somehow. With the adoption process, I feel pressured to have come up with a "plan". I know I'm exhausted right now - adjusting to my second job and juggling a lot of stuff right now - but I don't like how busy I am/money focused we seem to be right now in the short space of two weeks.

It's good to have goals, I know that. Obviously we need to have them to achieve our dream of house ownership. Yet I feel ripped off in a way - that things are so tight schedule-wise - I just don't want to miss out on too much of my daughter's precious preschool days. At the moment I feel as if I am ferrying her and myself from one thing to the next - I miss just hanging out together.

My neighbour asked me if I'd look after her newborn today. It was only for twenty minutes but my daughter and I had fun making up silly songs and dances for the baby. I feel guilt and sadness that my daughter doesn't have the companionship in her life that having a sibling would bring - she is besotted with the neighbour's newborn.

I got triggered by a Mum at Kindy today who said she worked three days a week to escape her children - she really meant it! I know where she was coming from - all Mums need/should have some space - yet if I am lucky enough to be blessed with another child I won't be rushing back into the workforce in a hurry!

I am feeling some loss this week. Loss around striving to add to our family. Even though our financial goals are a big part of that decision, I am missing being active around adding to our family. I also have some grief coming up around my daughter starting school at the end of March. I had an appointment with special education and her new entrant teacher yesterday. It went well. But I know I will have a bit of the empty-nest thing going on once my daughter settles into school.

To top it all off, my back continues to give me grief and I am currently taped up for a few days. I feel quite irritable with the pain and discomfort and am over it!

I probably just need an early night. I have been go-go-go for a good couple of weeks and the wheels are starting to come off. I've had a positive few weeks of feeling okay, even great with my path. But today I am grieving.