Life continues to be pretty jam-packed this end. I feel like I am racing from one thing to the next. In some ways I have been enjoying being busy and feeling fulfilled after the painful, empty days of SIF. In other ways I'd like to just stop and breathe for a minute!!
I had a lovely mother-daughter weekend in Wellington with my Mum. It was busy as we packed a lot in. I caught up with a couple of friends but didn't tell most of my friends I was going to be there. The friends I caught up with are both childless. I was having a child-free weekend I suppose and even though I'm in a good space around SIF; I still didn't fancy catching up with friends who have Completed Families.
I just now spoke with our social worker and have delayed our adoption plans - can you believe it?! I am amazed after so many years of feeling so desperate and in constant grief around having another child that I have just told our social worker that we won't be ready to adopt until October 2010 because of my new job/our plans to buy a house. But it feels good - it feels like the right thing to do.
I feel like I am letting go of my dreams to add to our family once again - in a healthy, realistic manner. It feels incredibly freeing to just let go of it - to carry on with our lives for a year while not worrying about how things will pan out in the future as far as adding to our family goes. If the worst case scenario happens and we don't get chosen by a birth family then at least we will have carried on with our lives as the family we are today while working towards our family goals.
I am really enjoying my new job though I am still working with my predecessor - we have a three week cross-over which isn't bad. I do feel a little out of place when I drop my daughter off at Kindy in the morning in my "work clothes" while the majority of Mums get around in their casual clothes. It is only three mornings a week that I am working but I do feel different at Kindy as a part-time working Mum. Who knows from the outside how it looks (and who really cares!) but it does feel even to me as though we have moved on from the baby, toddler and soon - in a few months - the preschool years!!
I told the social worker on the phone this afternoon that I wanted to be an at-home Mum all over again to a baby if we are picked by a birth family and to be able to achieve that - it seems best that I work now. At first I was surprised when the social worker said we should just delay the adoption process - her reasoning being there was no point in continuing with the assessments if things were going to change over the next few months. It makes sense and I do agree. I guess after all these years of pining for another child it seems unreal that we could have been just a few months away from being in the prospective adoptive parents pool and now it will be a year away.
I bumped into one of the adoptive Mums that was on our Education and Preparation course in September this week - as in she was one of the Mums sharing her story. I already knew her before the course - she's just the loveliest person. Somehow seeing her felt like a little reminder - a reassurance from God that our family may will grow in the future. But for now it all seems to be about going with the status quo and working with what we have as opposed to what we don't have.
Last week I picked up some professional photos we had taken of our wee family. Somehow having a recent photo up of just the three of us feels like another form of acceptance - for so long I couldn't bear family photos that seemed to be missing someone.
Life just doesn't always turned out the way we hope but sometimes the alternatives aren't that bad. I will be 42 when we go into the prospective parents pool! (I turned 41 in August). Even up until recently 42 was my age limit for adding to our family. But if we are on the books for two years that means I will be looking at becoming a Mum for the second time somewhere between the age of 42 and 44 years! When we first TTC our second child I wanted our family to be complete by the time I was 40 - never say never, I guess!
Tomorrow night is the second infertility support group here in Nelson. I'm not sure if all the same women from last time are coming again as I haven't heard from everyone - but there will be a couple of extra women hopefully coming for the first time. I'm looking forward to it though it would be nice if someone with SIF joined the group as so far the group has been comprised of PIs and myself.
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