Wow, it's been an interesting time of late. A busy kind of interesting. And then interesting in regards to my head-space around SIF. I am absolutely amazed at how far I've come. I really feel as though SIF is close to becoming history. The door isn't quite shut - but it is close to it. Incredible!! After three long and painful years of feeling like I was never going to get over the devastation of not being able to conceive again; I now feel like I am getting over it!
SIF is not forgotten, however. The truth is; it comes up for me most days in some form. Today for example at the swimming pool before my daughter had her swimming lesson we watched a group of babies having a lesson. I have such fond memories of swimming lessons with my daughter when she was very young. I always knew those days were so, so precious. I never took them for granted. I knew I'd never get them back - and that I'd possibly never get another chance with another child going through the stages all over again.
I feel like I am in a different category to the "fertiles" out there. I feel like I ought to have "incomplete family" stamped across my chest. At the pool today there was a Mum I know with three kids. I met her when my daughter was six months old at a local playgroup. In the four years I've known her my family has remained the same size and hers has tripled! Yet I don't feel such strong resentment to the MOTs and MOTHs out there as I once did. I guess I am starting to accept my infertility and the journey I have been through.
There are still a few relationships around me that remain fractured because of SIF. But with a new job (and that is going very well!) and other commitments in my life right now; I am in no rush to build bridges with some of the people I feel I need to/want to. In the meantime I have simply let go of some friends. I am in touch - but not like I used to be. I don't play chase anymore. I just let things be.
A big change for me that has happened as a consequence of SIF (and there have of course been many changes!), is I no longer seem to have a best-friend! It's really bizarre; the three women I used to define as "close" were all unable to relate to/meet me halfway around SIF. Some big unspoken rifts have occured. For a while I felt a bit lonely losing these friendships or at least accepting the changing dynamics but now I just feel closer to God - He is my new best friend! He's the only one who was with me through-out SIF. Perhaps one of my lessons is I don't need a best-friend who I can confide everything to. Maybe those friends don't exist in the long-term. Instead I have lots of friends I share bits and pieces with.
I have had a couple of conversations lately with some women from the local IF support group I started up. So it's good to be able to talk IF stuff with women in the same town! The next meeting is Wednesday next week and there may be another new member coming along though I think the numbers will be about the same (there were six last time).
I tried to phone our social worker before around the adoption process. I'd like to have a wee chat with her just to update her on where we are at. I have been sitting on the next lot of paperwork since Oct 1 - almost a month! But since getting my new job, my husband and I have agreed we are in no big rush for the last quarter or so of the adoption process to take place.
I have been thinking a lot about adoption and what a big upheaval it will mean to our lives. I guess for so long I was quite selfish around SIF - so desperate for a baby that I had to have it now!! But now I think, and believe, that God is indicating quite clearly; that it's time to focus on some other things. Basically adoption needs to go on the back-burner/be lower on our list of priorities as we sort out some other stuff.
By other stuff I feel God is paving the way for adoption to hopefully happen - but we need to sort our finances and achieve our dream of house ownership before considering ourselves seriously as prospective adoptive parents.
I have also been thinking how next March will be a big time of change for our daughter as she turns five and starts school. I'm hoping around that time or shortly afterwards we might be able to buy our first home. These are going to be two big life-changes for our ASD daughter - and us (!) Not perhaps the best time for adding a baby to the mix. With that I have also thought how I'd like to have a good working record in both my current jobs since I live in a small town where reputation is very important. It will be two years in March that I would have worked in my job at the gallery. And next October will be a year in my new job.
I'm thinking (very much so out loud at this point!) that we might want to put our profile into the prospective adoptive pool around October next year. Our daughter will be five and a half by then. We should be settled into a new home. And I would have worked a year in my new job. Essentially it will mean we'll be delaying the adoption process by six months as originally I was aiming to be finished by March 2010 but what's six months when we've been waiting three plus years for another baby?
These plans all make perfect sense to me and are all driven by God. The thing is, once we've handed in our profile and it starts circulating with birth families, I just really want us to be ready - not to be scrambling money together and trying to work out how things will - well, work out. By delaying things by a few months, we have time to buy our first home and will have nothing to lose really except for a bit of time/ a larger age gap between our children (if we get picked!)
If we put our profiles into the pool any earlier, I would be worried that I would get "the call" that would (let's face it) temporarily disrupt our lives. What I'm trying to get at is we have this window of time to basically be in a better financial position, including probably home ownership before opening our hearts to another child. I just feel like I am meant to be working right now - it is definitely God's Will. My heart still sinks when I see babies yet at the same time - that path at this point in time just doesn't feel like mine anymore.
I think it is quite exciting watching God orchestrate things.
I'm looking forward to flying to Wellington tomorrow night for the weekend to have some girl-time with my Mum. It will be great. The best thing I've been able to do for myself on this journey is to plan some fun weekends away - so very, very important.
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