For so long - it seems like forever - my quest has been to have another child. This desire has defined my life. I lived what has felt like a very small life for so very long. Small in the sense that SIF was my world. I lived it, dreamed it and didn't know any other way to be.
Somewhere along the way in recent times I let go of that dream to have another child - in particular, another biological child. The letting go was incredibly painful. It didn't happen overnight - it was a very gradual and not entirely gentle (!) process.
I'm on the other side of SIF and as a consequence I feel closer to God and my faith in Him has grown. The other night, the eve before a very important job interview (to me) I decided to go into a local chain-store and buy some brand new interview clothes. I did this as I realised my whole wardrobe was pretty much about casual, Mummy clothes. And I hadn't had an upgrade for quite some time. Even at my Sunday job at a gallery I wear casual clothes as I get covered in dust and all sorts so it's a natural dress code.
As I walked around the woman's section the Mums-to-be clothing range was staring proudly in front of me. I sighed inwardly because for so long I had dreamt of coming into a store and buying some new maternity gear. But, God was directing me on this particular evening to the corporate women's clothing - black tailored pants and a crisp white shirt worlds away from the maternity gear.
I felt so strongly that God wanted me to go for this job. To really put my best foot forward. So I did. I got my hair-cut, bought the corporate clothes and turned up for my interview yesterday afternoon as if I wanted this job more than anything in the world. An hour after I left the interview I was phoned up and offered the position - and I accepted!
It is only ten hours a week. Yet it is a big thing for me to take on a job working during the week. My Sunday job has been a bit of a no-brainer - and I love it (and will keep doing it for now). But this job will challenge me - as a community educator coordinator at a local college (highschool). I have negotatied three mornings a week. It's a big thing because I had dreamt of coming home to my other child for so long after dropping off my daughter at Kindy. Now I will be a part-time working-Mum - a Mum who drops off her preschooler early in the morning a few times a week so she can race off to work. I am excited, scared and relieved all at once. I will lose some gym-time and me-time but I'm ready to do something else with my time.
The job is pretty well paid for a part-time position and will relieve our family of the financial strain we have been feeling for many months. After I was offered the job, it was as though I could physically feel a huge burden being taken off both my husband and I's shoulders. We have been living off so little for so long - now we will be able to get back on top of things financially.
We both feel a lot more hope around buying a home and even adoption with this new job of mine. To be honest, one of the reasons I've been sitting on the assessment forms we have to fill out for the adoption process for the last two or three weeks is because financially I knew things were going to look pretty bleak on paper. Now I feel inspired to get those forms under way.
Ideally, we'd like to be in our own home if and when we get chosen by a birth family.
I have to trust God in His timing with things - and I do trust him. I do. I have been looking for over six months for a part-time position that would fit in with family life. I've had two interviews and several rejection letters so I'm pretty rapt to finally get a job. Ironically I have another interview on Tuesday which I will go to out of curiosity. The pay is less but I'm still interested in hearing about that position.
I guess for so long I have felt stuck between the fertile and infertile worlds as a secondary infertile. Now I feel almost as though I no longer need to be defined by SIF. God is pushing me into greener pastures. They aren't the pastures I had originally hoped for but they will be great. I know they will. It's all part of God's plan. The beginning of a very positive chapter, I believe.
No comments:
Post a Comment