I am still rapt that I am starting my new job next week. But I do feel quite overwhelmed by it. Not the job so much although I know I will be challenged as it is a lot more corporate/office-based than what I have been doing the last few years. I feel more overwhelmed around how full my plate feels right now - it is basically overflowing!
I guess in time I will get used to my job and fitting it in my week. But at the moment I am quite anxious about having to get my daughter to Kindy by 8.30am three mornings a week so I can get to my job by 9am. I have mananged to avoid rushed mornings up to this point and have appreciated that there is no particular start-time with Kindy - it's just when you get there! I have normally aimed for 9am but sometimes we are later. With my daughter's ASD; we can have some rather slow starts to the day. I feel quite stressed and worried about that. But a friend up the road said I can drop her off at her place and she can take her to Kindy if I ever need to (her eldest daughter goes to the same Kindy.)
Financially our little family will be better off yet I know we will feel my extra working hours in the week. I am someone who needs her down time too and I will miss all the free time I have had in the mornings up until this point.
It sounds as if I am having a bit of a moan but really I do just feel quite stretched right now. I am involved in a few groups in the community and in true Lynda-style; am realising I may have bitten off more than I can chew! Yet at the same time I don't want to give anything up as they are all causes I want to support!
I'm trying to remind myself to take it all One Day At A Time. I've also given myself three months to settle into this new job.
I've also had some grief come up around letting go of being a full-time at-home Mum. I feel this is what God wants me to do - take on this other job - but I will miss being a full-time Mum. I've had a cry about that already! I have always cherished being an at-home Mummy as I have known since my daughter arrived that we might have issues having another child - which we did of course in the end. So I've been very careful about taking on employment as I didn't want to have any regrets. Up until now my husband has looked after our daughter while I've worked at nights or in the weekends. Although she'll be at Kindy during term-time; I'll have to look for a babysitter or work something out with friends in the school holidays.
As a good friend of mine always reminds me: God has the plan and the time-table. This job won't be forever. Perhaps it is just for a while to help us get our finances back on track, to get ourselves into our own home and (let's be honest) to look good on paper for the adoption process.
I cannot fathom how our adoption plans are going to tie in with me taking on more work - once again - God has the plan and the time-table! I worry about little things like say we do get picked by a birth family then I would have to leave my job and give very little notice - not good for my CV or future employment in this small town!! I just have to really trust God with the details because I know He is sorting it all out for us - it's just a very different plan to the one I had!
I guess I had hoped to still be an at-home Mum when our second child came to us - not to be out in the work-force again for a while - and then to come back into the home again full-time when the baby arrived.
Although it still saddens me and hurts a wee bit when I see the MOTs at Kindy wheeling off their babies and toddlers down the road after I've dropped my daughter off; I do have this new acceptance that that wasn't my path. I guess God wants me to go out there and do some other things with my life - aside from motherhood - before another baby may or may not enter our lives.
I have finally started tackling the adoption assessment form I've been sitting on for over three weeks! It's the last big form we will have to do before a series of interviews with our social worker. It's like taking a big inventory of our lives - telling our story - warts and all. It's not easy yet at the same time - I'm glad I've made a start on it as it isn't as bad as I thought it might be.
I feel as though God has filled my head and my week with a ton of stuff outside of SIF/adoption. As of next week I will lose my morning routine of checking into Dailystrength, for example. Often I check in at night as well so it will become a once-a-day thing (or less). Which is probably not a bad thing. It's all part of my SIF healing, I suppose.
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