An emotional backlash

I'm not surprised that I've had a bit of an emotional backlash around starting an infertility support group. When I first had the idea to start the group, around two years ago when I was in the midst of the dark part of my SIF journey; I was quite apprehensive about actually starting a group for fear that I would end up being the only SI. Back then it would have been too much - having the SIs guilts in a room full of women going through PI.

Two years on, which brings us to the here and now, I still anticipated I could be the only SI or at least - one of just a few SIs yet was prepared to feel a bit like the odd one out. I formed the group primarily for women going through IF because I felt there was a very strong need for one in this community. I am absolutely rapt that the ball has started rolling and that the group has been officially launched. It has certainly helped me in my SIF healing starting this group.

But I have felt post-meeting somewhat guilty for sitting in a room with a handful of childless women who would give anything to be in my shoes. Don't get me wrong; nobody has indicated they feel any kind of resentment towards me - not at all. But in the past week since the meeting; I have noted all the wonderful Mummy moments I've had - which have been many. How I get to go on outings into town on the bus with my preschooler, how I get to tuck a child into bed at the end of the day and have precious cuddles and kisses, and how I get to watch my daughter grow and blossom as a very lucky at-home Mum.

At the same time, as I have been experiencing some SI guilt - my SIF grief has flared up ever-so-slightly as I've spied more bumps and babies in my Mum circles, as my neighbours second child grows up so fast before my eyes and as I watch other Kindy Mums heading off down the road with their toddlers and babies after dropping off their Kindy children. I feel, once again, in the middle of the road somewhere - somewhere between the fertile world and the infertile world.

I am in a good place with it all, however. I have been feeling very close to the God of my understanding over the last few weeks. I get and accept that I am on a different path - to the women who went/are going through primary infertility - and to the women who go on to produce an army of kids. I am simply on my own journey. It's a spiritual journey, as it turns out. In many ways it isn't even about SIF. It's about God getting me where it hurts in order to teach me a thing or two!

Yep, SIF has been a big wake-up call in my life. It's only the beginning of the aftermath of my SIF; but already I am feeling a lot stronger, more clear about what I want out of life (in every area) and am feeling a new level of peace and serenity. Of course SIF was not a fun ride. And obviously I am still affected by it. But I wouldn't and can't turn back the clock. I am simply just where I am meant to be in my life.

I certainly have a new compassion or at least a means of expressing that compassion to others. When a woman I don't know so well recenty shared her sad cancer news with me I wondered how I might handle her disclosure so she knew I cared without being too invasive. I ended up sending her a card in the post which she will get after her surgery.

I think at the end of the day all of us just want to be acknowledged in our pain - when we go through big stuff in life. I do have some work to do around many of the relationships around me and how in my eyes they failed to support me in my SIF. I understand that people just do the best with what they know. But still; I wasn't supported in the way I needed or wanted to be. Ironically, I believe I was meant to go through SIF mainly on my own as an exercise in strength, faith, and hope. I feel I could survive anything after SIF. It was (notice the past tense!) quite simply the worst personal crisis I've ever been through.

I am excited about life again! There is some great stuff coming up around the corner - I know it and feel it. I will sit down and start the next adoption assessment application this week. I've been sitting on it for a couple of weeks. I'm not rushing. This baby - if there is one - is coming in God's time. I can't force it to happen any faster so I may as well go with what feels right and natural as far as the adoption process goes.

I seem to be quite involved with several community organisations now - on the committe for our local autism group, the founder of our local infertility support group, on my daughter's Kindy committee, providing service for a 12 step programme and I have a job interview next week for yet another community organisation. It's almost as though I am moving into my calling - or moving into what I'm meant to be doing right now. It seems to be about giving.

I think it will be very interesting to see how things pan out over the next six or twelve months. At this point in time I am just so very, very glad to be out of the woods with SIF. I am very grateful for that!