Christmas is undoubedtly a tough time of year as a SI. There is once again that simulataneous experience of being connected to the fertile world - having one off-spring to celebrate Christmas with while feeling disconnected and (once again) jealous of families out there with new additions to the family who get to celebrate First Christmases the second time round. Luckily no-one has sent us (thus far) the family of four Christmas photos. I find those very, very hard to look at.
I phoned up my newly pregnant friend last night. We talked about all sorts but I did touch on my SIF. All I said was that in the past I'd struggled with some other friend's pregnancies and just left it at that really. I was actually fine talking about her pregnancy. I think just the fact she understood that I could struggle with things helped plus I said I would speak up if I was in pregnancy-talk overwhelm and she understood that too. I think all I have ever wanted from family and friends is to be heard within my SIF.
I feel so over the heavy feelings of SIF. Even though I am no longer what I consider in the dark days of SIF; it is still an emotional burden that impacts my well-being. I look forward to the day when SIF is in the past and a non-issue.
I think 2010 will be a year of sorting out a lot of things. I am looking forward to starting counselling again early January and then going to see an infertility specialist in February. I know having an upcoming appointment with an infertility specialist has triggered me somewhat - as I have been reflecting on the last three years and all that I have been through.
After my daughter told me the other night: "If I die, you could have another baby.", I have been praying to God to take away this desire of mine to have another child. I so wish I could be happy with the status quo - why I can't just be content with my husband and daughter? My daughter muttered those words in response to a fascination with death that she is going through right now. But it still upset me to hear her speak them.
The last two Christmases I had hoped that God would somehow deliver a miracle and that I would get pregnant. This Christmas I haven't even gone there with God - but I still remain disappointed that we will be celebrating Christmas as a family of three this year. It seems every Christmas since we I started praying for another shot at motherhood I wind up "missing" the child that was meant to be with us. We will be spending part of Christmas day with our neighbours who have a three month old so that will be nice. Somehow it balances things having a baby in the picture.
Even though I have been getting into Christmas baking and the Christmas spirit a bit; I still feel like a Christmas grinch because a big part of me is aching at the moment. My SIF Christmas-grief causes me to want to recoil into myself. I guess it is a time of year of remembering those we love - and have lost. And I did lose a very big dream - to have another biological child. As time passes the pain seems to lessen in the respect that it is perhaps not in my face every single day. But the feelings of loss, grief, of no-longer feeling like a proper woman - they linger.
I don't even want to look back at my posts over the last two years around this time as I am pretty sure I was no doubt harping on about the same thing! I cannot ask for a Christmas miracle in the form of a baby - but peace would be nice. I want to be okay with my SIF. I doubt I'll ever be happy about it - but to be okay with it would be nice. Because until I get to the place of being okay with my SIF; I am essentially not okay with a big part of me - who I am today - and that non-acceptance of myself crosses over into some of my relationships around me.
Since hearing about the friend of mine who died from cancer in her mid-40s recently; I've accepted on some kind of a level that SIF is just something I've had to go through - it has been God's Will, as such.
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