It's the beginning of autumn and change is certainly in the air. We move into our first home in three days and my daughter starts school in a week and a half! It is all good change but some of my SIF grief has come up as a result of letting go of the place we have called home for the last six and a half years and saying goodbye to the preschool years.
This is the house we moved into when we were engaged. Then we got married and five months later I was pregnant with my daughter. There are so many precious memories centred around my daughter's first (almost) five years. All the walks I used to go on with her in her buggy. Walking down the road and taking her to playgroup and music groups when she was six months old til the age of three. Then the beginning of the kindy years....sigh.
Knowing that I won't get to experience pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding again makes me want to scoop up all those memories up and freeze them in time so I will never forget them - I want to pack them up with the rest of our belongings. I loved being pregnant and remember the sleepless nights of trying to get some rest when feeling so uncomfortable with reflux and other pregnancy symptoms. I always thought it was a gift and felt blessed from the start. I am so glad I relished my pregnancy. My husband and I spent a few weeks watching a very hippy-like video to prepare for our daughter's arrival - only to go through an emergency c-section. And then there were three years of breastfeeding. It was exhausting at times but I loved the special bond breastfeeding gave my daughter and I.
The other day I was thinking of my daughter as a newborn, a toddler - all the different ages and stages we've been through in this house. I have shed a few tears just at the thought of my daughter starting school - I will need several tissues on hand when she actually starts!
I am very glad to be leaving three and a half years of SIF behind in this house though. I know SIF will follow me somewhat, as it is simply part of who I am/who I've become - but I do think my days of being consumed by SIF are over. Even so, I still have my times - my days of being triggered.
I went to a kindy AGM the other night. I was only on the committee for a year but I did feel a bit sad as I resigned this week. I shed a few tears as I walked home afterwards. I was painfully reminded of my SIF as all the rest of the committee members stayed on for another term because they have two, three or even four children. It just didn't make sense for me to continue my involvement with the kindy without another child in the wings.
Some MOT (mother-of-two)-envy flared up for me when one of the mums temporarily stepped down from the committee - because she is pregnant with her third child. Everyone was fussing around her, giving her a comfy seat and all that. I used to chat a bit with this mum but just couldn't bring myself to start a conversation with her - although I did tell her her chocolate cake was nice! - I just didn't want to talk to her for more than a few minutes in case we wound up talking about her bump...
So although I will miss my connections with Kindy; I won't miss feeling like the odd (wo)man out at committee meetings where all the Mums chat about their first, second and beyond children - not being to help themselves with comparing notes and swapping Mum-of-many stories. Times like this just make me feel less-than, that I don't have the x factor fertility-wise (well, obviously I don't!), and I feel quite disconnected from Mums as a whole (being the only SI in the group).
Yep, I'm a bit tired and a little touchy today. My daughter has been very unsettled with all the upcoming changes. So we are all exhausted as she has been very wakeful over the last week or so and quite anxious about school. I have some issues around her starting school and being on the autistic spectrum and not having a teacher's aide - it is a tiring process trying to fight for her right to have the support she needs in place.
Anyway, I am looking forward to being on the other side of our shift in just a few days! My next update will probably be from our new home!
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