Accepting my powerlessness

My secondary infertility experience has affected me deeply in so many ways. It has taken me to some deep, dark places as well as to some places where there has been hope and light.

I am praying to God a lot at the moment to help me accept my body and the fact I feel so let down by it. The bottom-line is - I don't want to be heading towards menopause! I don't like the menopausal symptoms I am experiencing. I wasn't expecting hot flushes/night-sweats/mood swings and a low libido at what feels like what should be the prime of my life. There are many causes of infertility and if I had a choice on why I was infertile, I'm not sure I would have chosen perimenopause. Obviously I didn't get a choice and this is just where my body is at so I will do my best to make peace with my body and expect it might take me a while to get there.

The thing is, none of my peers are in perimenopause. So even if I hadn't been hoping for another biological child; I am pretty sure that I would still be grieving the end of my fertile years. Fertility is about being about to conceive but it is about other things too. Vitality and youth are linked to fertility. I feel like I have been given a trump card that reads You are old. Your youth is gone!

I have a BA (Hons) in Psychology and Education. I get the whole human development thing. Sooner or later we all have to face the fact that we are getting older and life is changing for us. I suppose for me SIF is my mid-life crisis. SIF empathises all the hopes and dreams that I have lost -the loss of another biological child is perhaps symbolic of deeper losses that I haven't quite tapped into yet.

Anyway, I have decided I need to up the ante and be a little more self-nurturing. Early nights, adding yoga/pilates to my week again and lots of time with God are things I know will help me. I want to get to a place where I can forgive and love my body again. But it is a long hard road. I only have to see a woman with a baby-bump and I am reminded of my biological imperfections.

My anger and hurt towards my body causes me to doubt or to worry a bit about adoption. I guess I fear I might on some level expect an adopted child to come in and "fix" the pain that SIF has inflicted on our family. But adoption is a separate issue - it is about inviting a child to join our family. It is not about healing the wounds caused by SIF. Sure, my maternal urges would be satisfied by a child joining our family - but my SIF scars will remain. I can only hope they fade eventually into the background.

This whole SIF deal has matured me. Life does dish out some pretty big lemons and I'd say most people would have been through something quite significant by the time they reach middle-age. These things rock us, change us and sometimes define us. But I guess we all have to learn how to reconcile painful and unwanted events in our lives with the present somehow because life isn't perfect. There is a kind of gentleness and grace when people do manage to pick themselves up and carry on again with life - just when I thought I was getting there, it turns out there was a bit more work for me to do in that department!;)

I have a strong connection with the God of my understanding. Perhaps there are some more spiritual lessons to be learnt as I begin the process of making peace with my body. I do feel as though I have entered a new chapter with SIF. The first was about TTC, then finding answers when things didn't look good - and then accepting the finality of it all. But now, post-SIF I have to try and find peace all over again and learn to love my body as it is today. I am thinking of changing of my work hours during the week (as there is some flexibility to do that) which might open up a few slots in my week to do Bodybalance - the pilates/yoga/tai chai class at my gym. I did it twice a week when going through some dark times with SIF when grieving not being able to have another biological child so I know it'll help me. My aim is to be feeling in a better space body-wise when we resume our adoption plans in June. Until then I am going to work hard to heal myself.