I have joined the menopause group on Dailystrength and have also made contact with an Early Menopause online group here in New Zealand. I probably feel similar to how I did when I signed up with the Dailystrength secondary infertility online group two and a half years ago - relief at finding other women in the same boat and some small pride in that I have accepted my "condition" somewhat through signing up with such groups.
Because I had hoped like crazy for another biological child; everyone I made contact with on my SIF journey attributed all I went through to SIF. However, it's kind of like what came first ala the chicken or the egg. I was probably in perimenopause the whole time I had SIF. If I hadn't wanted another child; then I would have eventually being treated for perimenopause. One specialist on my journey basically said the same thing - because I was getting older, and time was running out, then my infertility was the focus; not the fact my body was biologically changing - even though the two are ultimately connected.
As I struggle or perhaps adapt to live with these menopausal symptoms, I know with full certainty that my dark days of SIF are over. Although there is a part of me that will carry some sadness around that for some time, I'm sure - it does not rule me. However, since I am in hyper-sensitive mode with my menopausal symptoms - I am in danger of going back there so am having to apply some self-preservation around pregnancies and growing families. This week two friends on Dailystrength have said they are pregnant. I am rapt for them but cannot follow their pregnancies too closely at this point in time. A woman who lives across the road from me who I know through Kindy is pregnant with her third child. I have been hoping she wouldn't notice me (ridiculous!) as I don't want to do the neighbourly thing with her. But she saw me the other day and we waved at each other and I was annoyed that she now knows we are neighbours!!
I feel almost as though I have outgrown the secondary infertility group on Dailystrength. It isn't because I don't care about the women there - believe me - I have some great friends there. But I cannot conceive and many of the women there probably can/will. I feel more at home in the menopause group on the same site for now. I guess menopause - and learning how to live with that is my focus. It is my way of moving forward.
I have been attempting to be more gentle and self-nurturing towards myself lately. I went and did a Bodybalance class (yoga/pilates) at the gym yesterday. I was doing that class twice a week until a few months ago when I had back issues and my physio advised I stop going. But I have really missed it in mind, body and soul and feel I need a class like that in my week. I really enjoyed it but my back does hurt a little afterwards - I will have to be a bit cautious in that class and I did inform the instructor yesterday of my injury. I also went and for a walk/for a cuppa with a friend last night. I just really need my girlfriends right now to talk to about girly stuff.
I resigned from my Sunday job last weekend. With my daughter starting school two weeks ago, I just want the weekends free now for family time. It feels as though it is the end of the SIF era in lots of ways. I took on that Sunday job two years ago when going through a very rough time with SIF - I had a lot of grief and struggled with acceptance. The job served it's purpose - it was ultimately a SIF distraction - but I am past that just-managing-my-grief stage.
I have applied for another job which involves working Saturday and Sunday evenings - there were apparently a lot of applicants for the job and so who knows what my chances are in getting it. But I am having to be self-honest at the moment and accept that my menopausal symptoms bring limitations into my life at this point in time. I do need my life to be as gentle as possible with as much downtime as possible. There are a few commitments I have made over the last two or three years - commitments I made to keep me busy as I struggled with SIF - it is time to let go of a lot of them.
My weekday job has been extremely busy and a real juggling act with mothering a daughter with autism spectrum disorder. I have been working extra hours and will be talking soon with my employer to see if I can get my hours increased.
I was thinking during my Bodybalance class yesterday that if I could live a parallel life I would take off and backpack around Europe for three months alone!! It is difficult to express in words - but for me The Change - going into menopause - is affecting me quite deeply in mind, body and soul and I just have to go with it. I seem to be craving space - lots of it - lots of personal space. I want to do things on my own. My whole gym work-out/exercise programme feels like it is having a big overhaul. When I joined the gym two years ago I needed the energy and enthusiasm of instructors to lift me during my dark days of SIF. But I don't need them anymore. I am officially taking off the heavy gown that I have worn that was SIF and am putting it aside. It's as though I need to find my wings on my own so I can fly again. Harping on//focusing on what I can't have (another child) only holds me back from where I want and need to go.
The bottom-line is; I don't have to fight SIF any more. I guess for the last month or so I have been processing the confirmation I got from an infertility specialist that I am in perimenopause (something I knew and feared for a very long time). It means I am free to live and adapt my life as a woman going through a big life-change - and I don't have to live as woman who was fighting to have what she couldn't for have - another child.
Who knows if this even makes a whole lot of sense. I will still be checking in on Dailystrength - but my focus has changed. I feel as though the fork in the road has taken me off on a different journey and that is where I need to go. I will be going on my own version of backpacking through Europe over the next three months in my own back yard, as such. You have all supported me in your own way through reading my posts on my blog - or journals in Dailystrength. I thank-you for that from the bottom of my heart.
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