One of the surprises of this whole SIF/early menopause journey for me is the emotional and spiritual lessons that come with it. It is about so much more than grief and loss and a body that is reproductively challenged (!). It is about self-love, self-worth and self-acceptance . It is an opportunity to work on ones coping skills. It is also a time of exploring ones faith - which is a very personal and individual journey. As relationships are stretched often beyond their capabilities - it is a time of learning to stand on one's own feet while learning to accept what help - if any - friends and family are able to offer.
Yes, this chapter - or should I say novel, has been about many things. Basically it has been a life-changing event that has touched my life on every level possible. It has all happened for a reason. I still believe that, even though I might not like it all that much a lot of the time.
Lately I've had to accept the fact that I haven't treated myself very well over the last three plus years. I am not going to beat myself up, however. I am going to show myself some compassion. I guess I just didn't know how to cope with the obvious yet undiagnosed medical reality that I could no longer conceive - that my fertility days were over. So I chose to keep on keeping on and tried to keep myself as busy as possible, not allowing SIF to consume me completely as it was threatening to. Two years ago I knew adoption was our only hope to add to our family, so I knew that for a future profile that we would have to write, that I couldn't get too depressed. Six months on anti-depressants was forgiveable, I thought from the eyes of a birth family. But any longer, then I feared it could jeopardise our chances of being picked.
So I pulled myself together and got myself through my dark phase of SIF by joining a gym and working on a Sunday. I functioned as per normal - continued to do all the meals and the dishes and to mother my daughter like I always have. Although there were many red faces on Dailystrength; from the outside no-one would know that my heart was broken.
I'm not sure what clicked into place recently. But I guess a few weeks post-diagnosis; I finally have the permission from myself - no-one else - to let go of all I tried to do and be during my SIF fight. Even though I knew I had burned all my bridges medically - that there was nowhere else for me to go for biological help - I continued to "fight" SIF. I went on this no-caffeine/no-alcohol and no-sugar stint to prove to myself and to God that I was willing to give up a lot in the name of another child, if that's what it took. I was kind of like the crazy woman who walks around with a lead with no dog attached to it because she's not ready to accept her beloved pet is dead. I didn't want to accept that my fight with SIF was over - so I kept on fighting! It was all kind of mad when I look back at it all now.
Though like I say, I am choosing to cut myself a bit of slack. I was just where I was at and that was where I needed to be. I got the answer to my SIF when I was meant to.
So post-SIF, I am having to work out who I am. I'm trying to make sense of this whole menopause deal while letting go of all I did and all I became in my desperation for another child. We had an IF meeting this week and the topic was Hope. It was interesting hearing all the other women share around different procedures and ovulation etc. It really is like old news for me. I have been there and done that - all the charting/blood tests/provera/clomid/surgery/loads of BFNs/herbs/acupuncture/creative visualisations/yoga/mediatation etc etc. Being at that meeting was like a review of the last three and a half years. All that time and energy. All those hopes and dreams.
The thing is I tried all of the above because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. One thing led to the next and I always seemed to know someone who had had success with whatever-I-was-doing-at-the-time. There was always Hope even though this gnawing, sicky feeling in my stomach was telling me It's not going to work for you, honey. When my herbalist thought my periods were erratic for reasons other than early menopause - I chose to go along with the ride - even though in my heart I knew she was wrong. My Drs all thought I was too young for menopause. My gyno said You've conceived once; you will again. Wrong, wrong, wrong people!
Sigh. But I cannot change what happened and how it happened. It's time to let it go. I don't want this SIF era to linger on too long. I do however accept that I might have to lower my previous expectations of getting completely over SIF/early menopause. Something tells me, with new perspective and maturity of late, that I will have to accept that I will have to learn how to integrate this experience with my life. In other words, it is an experience too deep to think it could ever be completely shelved at some point.
I do think I am at the beginning of this intergration - and it is going to take time. I have given myself three months to be really kind to myself - to shower myself with self-love and self-care so that I can get through this. In the back of my diary I have written a wee list and I need to do one of these every day:
* Have a bath
* Go for a walk
* Go do a Bodybalance class (Yoga/Pilates)
* Journal (privately - outside of my blog/Dailystrength)
* Have an early night and read in bed
I've been doing this for about the last three days and it is helping me a lot. I seem to need a lot of personal space right now and doing one of the above every day meets that need for alone time.
There are some other basic self-care things that I haven't done for a while that I will add to the mix on a regular basis too such as having a massage/having a nap during the day (when my daughter is at school and I'm not working!) and going to a cafe alone.
I kind of think I am treating myself as if I have just been through a major break-up! If I want chocolate I will eat it now and not deny it from myself. Today I enjoyed my second cup of caffeinated tea - I had one on Thursday too - as I hadn't had real tea for three years!! It seems so crazy that I took some of life's small pleasures out of my diet. It was almost as though I was punishing my body for miscarrying. I knew it was my last pregnancy and decided to withdraw all the possible miscarriage culprits - sugar/alcohol/caffeine. Yet of course we all know women who overdose in all of these vices and produce a multitude of children. That theory of mine was just a little distorted!
The funny thing is too, after miscarrying I was unable to give myself what I really needed. If it was a good friend of mine who had miscarried - I would have offered a cup of tea, a biscuit - and maybe a glass of wine. But I couldn't do that for myself. I shut down instead.
So life feels a little less ridgid right now though I am experimenting with where I want to go diet-wise now I've loosened the reins as such! I lost about 6/7 kg when I gave up all those vices and have to say, I have enjoyed going down a dress size. But, as someone who has had previous food and alcohol issues - in the sense of over-indulgence - it's almost as though I had to swing to the extreme of controlled food and alcohol intake for a while because I knew I was going through a vulnerable period in my life. I guess I didn't trust myself and didn't want to hide my pain through binge-eating or drinking. Ironically though, I hid some of my pain by being so controlling.
Something that came to mind of late is a recovery term which is used to describe alcoholism; The Three C's - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. That has been my journey with SIF/early menopause. It is not my fault I lost an ovary and entered early menopause - there was nothing I could do to change that. Nothing.
I went through a phase of reading The Secret and hoping I could will my body - and mind - back into being fertile again but all that did was make me feel bad that I was having negative thoughts to cause infertilty. According to The Secret, I was telling myself I was infertile. Well that line of thinking didn't work for me - it is much easier for me to go with God's Will. I have followed Him all the way through - I was guided from one step to the next til I finally got the answer I was looking for recently. Now I just need a bit of time to reconcile the last three and a half years with where I am now.
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