It is an understatement to say that SIF comes with a whole pile of grief. But what continues to amaze me, even after all this time, is how many different kinds or themes of grief there are to contend with.
There is the obvious - the grief of not being able to conceive another child - which is a deep-seat biological kind of grief. The grief of a dream: letting go of a family of four. The grief of a biological sibling for the child I have means letting go of the fantasy of two fighting children at the dinner table. There is also the grief of so many relationships because so many, if not very few people, have been able to understand SIF at a very deep level. This has meant most relationships have been affected by my SIF and some may never recover from the gaping hole that SIF caused.
The longer time passes between the beginning of my SIF journey - when I first TTC - to the end - in what I call the aftermath of SIF - the more I have to face and deal with the grief of so many dreams within dreams. For example, now that my daughter is at school I've had to accept that there is no baby or toddler at home. That was a dream I had for a very long time. I have always wanted to "manage" two children - to be a taxi-Mum ferrying two kids to their various activities. It just feels so wrong that this isn't happening right now; that I've somehow ended up in this other life where I'm running around ferrying my daughter around my work. It was never in my plans to become a "working Mum" at this stage in my life.
I cannot help but continue to feel quite ripped off when I drop my daughter off at school only to drive off to work or to do something else with my day when I'm not working. There is still a very big hole which I fear will never be filled up again. Ever since I've allowed or given myself permission to grieve, as in really grieve this loss of a dream of another biological child: it has felt as though I having been walking around with a very open wound. I know in time I will find my way again and just need to continue to be as gentle and as kind as possible with myself - and patient. It will take as long as it takes to get through this.
I'm going away to Wellington tomorrow night for two nights - alone - I'm leaving my husband and daughter behind. Wellington is my hometown and I'm going for two reasons: for my Mum's birthday and to catch up with a friend who lives in Australia who will be in Wellington for a week who has a five month old baby that I haven't met yet. Of course when I planned this trip months ago, I was in a "good space" with SIF; now I'm feeling quite raw and vulnerable. I am looking forward to my weekend away in some ways; in other ways I feel I really need to be around those who are willing to support me right now and I know I probably won't get that support this weekend. In other words, the family and friends I will be seeing are for the most part quite unsympathetic about SIF.
The mother of the five month old went through five years of primary infertility but has no real empathy for SIF at this point in time. I will catch up with her and meet her baby but I will be applying self-preservation big-time. If there are any comments I'm not happy about; then my visit will be a short one. It is such a shame I feel this way as she is a close friend - but it's just where I'm at.
I revealed to a family member this week that I was struggling with things post-SIF - that I was trying to accept my reality. I'm not sorry I revealed my true feelings - as I was being honest. But it does still hurt when my pain is minimised. I will never get that. I will never get that thing of emotional pain/grief needing to be justified or compared with SIF. I cannot imagine another scenario where people would openly doubt your pain - Would you tell a mourning mother whose living child died that their pain isn't relevant because they have a surviving child? No you wouldn't!! To me it is the exact same thing. I/we are being told to "Buck up. Your pain isn't real. Move on. Get over it." That is the way I feel about it, anyway.
Yep - I am still in the angry stage of my grief!...I am aware there are more tears to come. I feel as though I am in the early stages of grieving my dream - because I got the answer of why another baby isn't coming - I got an ending, Now I am having to deal with it. So I am still not quite ready to fill out the adoption papers yet. I'm getting there. But I want to and need to be self-honest at this time and I do need the space to mourn. Besides, I've had to also accept and face some quavering thoughts around whether I have just missed the boat in regards to adding to our family. Living with menopause is a personal challenge and I feel it's going to take some time to adjust to that. I do wonder if adding a baby to the mix is the right thing now. Maybe it isn't.
Yet still, this annoying lingering longing for another child continues to haunt me each and every day. I still pray to God to take this desire away if it isn't meant to be. But it remains. I feel like the odd one out all over again when I pick my daughter up at school and all the other Mums have two or three children in tow. One MOTH (mother of three) who knows a little about my SIF was kind enough to acknowledge it must be hard having my only-child start school and I was able to say that yes it was, that actually I was going through some grief around that.
Sigh. I just want life to be simple and uncomplicated again. My job is a busy one yet probably a good post-SIF distraction. Maybe it is good I have somewhere to go three days a week. I have Thursdays and Fridays to fill and am starting to fall into a routine into what I want to do then. I even started a painting today so perhaps I will end up using my free-time to do some creative things at home. I just still need to just be and to sit still as much as possible. I seem to need to digest the last three and a half years right now. It's about finding inner peace midst all the turbulent feelings going on - not easy, but something I need to do.
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